WASHINGTON, D.C.—As a justice of the United States Supreme Court, Stephen Breyer, 80, is no stranger to being under pressure. Still, nothing could quite have prepared him for what he found early this morning as he descended the staircase in his bathrobe to have some breakfast.
He explains that there, in the middle of the kitchen, were the chewed up remains of his majority opinion that was due later today at the Supreme Court in the case of Apple Inc. v. Pepper.
"Oh [expletive]!" he exclaimed. "[Chief Justice] John [Roberts] is gonna have my ass!"
Justice Breyer's dog, an adult female named Snowflake had ostensibly located the neatly typed 153 pages on Breyer's desk, and engaged in the classic canine pastime of destroying it.
"I am so dead!" lamented Breyer, with his head in his hands. "That's due in like, 3 hours!"
Skipping breakfast and his morning shower, Breyer quickly sat down at his typewriter and clicked off a 3-page summary of whatever he could remember from his opinion before ripping it out of the machine, looking at it for a moment as if in silent prayer, and then kissing it.
"I hope this little puppy does the trick," he said, tossing his judicial robe onto the passenger seat of his car and pulling out of the driveway.
As of press time, Snowflake could be seen burying the remainder of the mangled majority opinion behind Breyer's shed.