WASHINGTON, DC—The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) requires under the Federal Food, Drug & Cosmetic Act that certain tobacco products include warning statements about the health risks they pose, but new labels have been approved to provide another type of Surgeon General's warning.
Starting in June 2019, retailers will be required to apply labels to all cigarette packages that, in addition to cautions about lung cancer, emphysema, fetal harm, and addiction, include the warning that smoking is no longer considered "cool."
"Sure, a few decades back, all you needed to seem tougher, older, and slicker was a lit cigarette hanging out of your mouth. I've watched 'Stranger Things'—I get it, but in 2019, smoking is just a trashy habit," cautions U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Jerome Adams. "Previous Surgeons General have warned the public about the negative health effects of habitual tobacco use, but I'm here to plead with you to consider the cost to your image. You smell terrible. Your teeth are gross. Kids don't walk past you and think, 'man, I want to be like that guy;' they cross to the other side of the street if they can. It's just not cool anymore."
Indeed, Colon sources indicate that not a person today in the United States sees someone smoking and thinks, "Ooh, classy!" or "They must be a movie star!" as may have been the case last century. In 2019 reality, cigarettes are associated with weirdos, yuckiness, and being lame.
The new cigarette labels will take precedence over health warning labels in the months to come, as the Surgeon General considers the coolness factor to be the most urgent tobacco-related matter at present. He adds to "stop trying to make vaping a thing, losers." As alternatives, Dr. Adams recommends use of toothpicks or, when appropriate, lollipops. "Those are still cool as hell."