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  • Writer's pictureTodd Blankenship

Triggered to Death



All who knew Janice Denver are mourning her passing late this week after she was emotionally overwhelmed in her biology course at the University of Illinois.

Janice will be remembered as a sweet young woman who loved people and nature. It is nothing short of a tragedy that her life ended so soon. Medical professionals state that she just completely lost the will to live when her biology professor used the example of a dog to describe the aging process. Without a trigger warning for exposing Janice to the fact that puppies do grow up, Janice was blindsided by the devastating assault of factual information, which sent her cascading into total emotional, psychological, and physical meltdown.

Janice's parents take comfort in the fact that she lived a full life at home where her every want was met and where she was emotionally coddled, rewarded for every behavior, and never knew disappointment. She will be buried with her mountains of participation trophies, stacks of her favorite therapeutic coloring books, and four most recent security blankets.

In lieu of flowers, Janice's parents ask that you sign a petition to have the biology teacher censored for spreading potentially disquieting facts without multiple warnings.

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