Anita and Arnold Mueller are devastated to announce the de facto death of their daughter, Julee, after she married a known Yankees fan. The happy couple and total traitors to our beloved Cubs were joined in matrimony in a courthouse on Monday morning after Anita and Arnold refused to have any part in their anti-Cubs union. Now that she actually went through with the ceremony, they have officially disowned her, and wish to announce her ceasing to exist after the moment she vowed to be with that Whitey-Ford-worshiping scumbag.
The Muellers are horrified at the events of the past week, and hope that a pseudo funeral will help to ease their daughter's passing into the arms of Yankee-loving elitist. There will be a small service of remembrance of what Julee was like before the Yankee fever took her innocence. Please come to the Mueller residence between 10 and 12 on Friday, wearing Cubs merchandise and colors.
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