PORTLAND, OR—The simple townsfolk of Portland are aghast today after learning that one of their own young residents is considering getting a permanent tattoo.
The youngster in question, Audrey Belfast, 22, was overheard telling a friend that she has been thinking of hiring someone in a presumably dimly lit, back-alley, unsanitary closet space to inject a needle covered in ink into her skin in some image that will then be permanently there for all the world to see.
Portlandians are beside themselves with shock. "Did you ever hear of such a thing?" exclaimed Margaret Jeter, 44. "What will she do if someone sees it?"
It seems that such a scandal has taken this little hidden gem of the northwest by surprise. "You just don't hear of this kind of thing here in Portland," commented Francis Uhrlacher, 54. "Maybe down there in the Californias, but here, we know better."
Rumors have spread about Belfast's plans for the tattoo, but residents have let their imaginations run wild about what image she might choose, and where the image would actually be placed. Nicholas Johns, 38, noted, "I think she might be able to just survive this with her reputation intact if it's just a small flower or something nice, and maybe just somewhere nobody'd ever see it. But if she's thinking of going all crazy with a snake or skull or something, and near any of her, uh, you know, lady parts, well then she's just up a creek far as I'm concerned. She'll never get a man looking like that."
Some of the townspeople hope that Belfast will "come to her senses" before going through with the tattoo, but they aren't holding their breath.
"She was such a sweet girl, too," said Jeter. "I'll tell you what's to blame: it's that rock n' roll music."
When reached for comment, Belfast explained that she was going to see if she could fit the tattoo of a marijuana leaf in between her other tattoos of a merman and the one of Che Guevara on her neck.