CHICAGO, IL—After serving seven years in maximum-security prison, Hamburglar was paroled last Tuesday following good behavior. He had been convicted of armed robbery and assault at a dozen McDonald’s locations in the greater Chicago area while Ronald McDonald, a close personal friend at the time who usually thwarted or prevented his crimes, was out of town on business. Authorities report that Hamburglar was a model inmate, contributing to the morale of his fellow incarcerated criminals and volunteering regularly to help serve meals, particularly when hamburgers or cheeseburgers were on the menu. While many feel that his release is well-merited, some still worry that his conviction and sentencing were an abuse of justice.
More than seven years ago, Hamburglar held up 12 McDonald’s restaurants with an unregistered 9 mm Glock 19 handgun. While he did brandish the weapon, he did not make any intelligible threats, speaking gibberish while motioning for employees to load his burglar bag with sundry burgers. He had even been waiting patiently in line before signaling his demands, though he did pistol whip a teenager who tried to cut in front of him. Police were able to apprehend him by following known friend and associate, Grimace, to Hamburglar’s hideout. Hamburglar had stuffed himself with dozens of burgers and was unable to resist arrest.
Hamburglar’s court case proved to be an uphill battle as newly licensed Grimace acted as his defense attorney. Grimace’s slow-witted demeanor and clumsy courtroom antics, not to mention lack of visible clothing, did not help the case. Additionally, many of the eyewitness accounts were later determined to be spurious as every injury incurred by a McDonald’s employee during Hamburglar’s crime spree was falsely attributed to him; he was accused of several oil burns, bruises, broken bones, gunshot wounds, and other workplace injuries. Many of those employees had not even been present for any of the burglaries. After Hamburglar’s sentencing, Grimace was disbarred and became reclusive.
While Ronald McDonald does not bear a grudge and has offered Hamburglar a job as a taste tester, there are still some lingering suspicions that Hamburglar may have something to do with all of the restaurant’s broken ice cream machines.