ATHENS, GREECE—Following Valentine’s Day yesterday, over one billion complaints have been submitted worldwide with law enforcement and news agencies concerning fly-by shootings by bow and arrow. All evidence points to Cupid, also known as Eros, the god of desire, erotic love, and affection. Heart-tipped arrows were found on all crime scenes and some victims and bystanders report having witnessed the blurred image of a swiftly flying, tunic-clad, winged man.
While victims of the violent attacks report no permanent bodily injuries, many suffered from overpowering feelings of physical attraction and euphoria during the day. The short-term albeit potent effects would seem to indicate that the culprit had laced the arrows with some type of narcotic or other drug. Indirect results of the attacks include loss of productivity or interrupted work engagements, an atmosphere of heightened romance or romantic encounters, and other concomitant disruptions to routines.
With evidence mounting against the herald of love, member states of the United Nations are preparing an international criminal lawsuit, which may take years to go to trial but will transcend national jurisdictions in the first case of its kind. Potential charges being weighed include but are not limited to aggravated assault, possession and distribution of a controlled love-inducing substance, possible drug cultivation and manufacturing, and attempted homicide.
As yet, if Cupid is found guilty in international criminal court, it remains unclear whether sentences would be served concurrently or consecutively, though time may not be an issue for the immortal being. Additionally, many will likely want to file a class-action lawsuit, the largest in modern legal history. Numerous individual civil suits are already in development for redress due to the aforementioned interrupted work engagements, loss of productivity, and other factors related to the effects of the loved-laced arrows. It is further expected that many women will learn of resulting pregnancies with due dates in November and may seek child support.
Meanwhile, legal authorities have been unable to find Cupid near any of the crime scenes and mortals are no longer allowed in Mount Olympus due to the results of the famous case of Greek Pantheon v. Prometheus in the matter of fire theft. The United Nations may seek to repeal the ruling of that case in matters of international crime but many legal analysts believe that it would be an uphill battle against legal precedence. Thus, authorities have been unable to enter Mount Olympus and take Cupid into custody for questioning or to ask his neighbors about his whereabouts.
As of press time, Cupid’s public relations team could not be reached for comment.