WASHINGTON, DC—Although it has been a federal crime for decades, the Federal Bureau of Investigation has struggled to slow the illegal copying of many media, including music and movies. As such, the Bureau has taken a new approach to dissuade those considering such piracy.
Although the unauthorized copying of media is punishable with fines up to $250,000, and incarceration for up to five years, the crime is so easy to commit and so difficult to track that it remains one of the leading concerns of the music industry. The F.B.I has now decided to take a different approach to slowing piracy. Aside from the threat of fines and prison time, the Bureau will now openly question the would-be pirate's taste in music.
For example, software programs that are commonly used to create digital copies of music will now provide popup windows each time a user tries to add a song to their library. These will vary, but one reads, "Hey man, do you seriously think that 'Eye of the Tiger' is worth a federal crime? Do you really even work out that often?"
Naturally, many of the popup warnings are individualized to the actual media being copied. Another reads, "'La Macarena?' You're not actually going to risk jail time for 'La Macarena,' are you? That song was cool for like, two weeks."
The Bureau expects that such humiliating and condescending warnings are likely to decrease piracy by as much as 34% in the next five years, as they move to make the patronizing more personal. They hope to soon have popup warnings making larger critiques of the artists in general. "Green Day? Man, they went too mainstream after [their 1997 album] Nimrod. Nobody in their right mind would steal anything after that."
Another gem is "Justin Bieber? What are you, 12? You're going to get eaten alive in the slammer, you little sissy."
No such mocking labels are set to appear on any Nickelback recordings, as the F.B.I. deemed the mockery "unnecessarily cruel to people who are suffering enough."