HIGHLAND, IN—The cold of the polar vortex in the northeastern states swept through much of the nation late last week, wreaking havoc upon citizens. Unfortunately, amid the chaos, there were a few casualties.
We at The Colon are pleased to report that our humanity did not freeze with the weather, as is apparent from this story we stumbled upon. Near a hill ostensibly used for sledding by youngsters and their watchful guardians, evidence of tragedy was clear, as a glove had apparently become separated from its owner. On such a frigid day, the horror at the thought of a young adult or teenager trudging around through the snow and wind with one hand unprotected is simply too much for many to bear.
Fortunately, some brilliant passerby managed the perfect solution: hang the glove on a tree branch passing through a chain-link fence. This modern-day Sherlock read the situation and, within moments, must have assessed perfectly what had happened: somebody left the snowy hill with only one of their gloves.
Without a minute to waste, this genius sleuth formed the fail-proof solution to the predicament. Eyeing the dozens of bushes and trees close by, many of which had protruding branches through the fence, the formidable gumshoe must have weighed all options and determined precisely how high and upon which branch to hang the lost glove on which side of the fence, knowing that once its absence was discovered, the rightful owner would retrace his or her steps. Upon arriving at the scene, this person would see the solitary glove, like a flare from a boat lost at sea, signaling in the air—waving through the breeze as if to say, "Here am I, my dear, cold companion. We shall no longer be separated, but united again, now and forevermore."
The sheer brilliance of such a move cannot be overstated. One cannot help but wonder how such sagacity could be applied to other arenas of the human condition, if only this Einstein of flatfoots could be located and tasked with problems such as hunger, poverty, and disease.
As of press time, the singular glove remained unmoved from the fence, clearly signaling that the owner had been unavoidably detained from retrieving it. Still, we at The Colon remain hopeful, and maintain a watchful eye over the scene. We have hung one of our socks on a neighboring branch through the fence, certain that the most brilliant mind of our time will happen upon it and know what to do to make contact.