2019 Already Considered a Loss

NEW YORK, NY—As millions of Americans kicked off the new year late last night and into the early hours of the morning, virtually all of them have already chalked 2019 as a total loss.

With almost the entire adult population of North America experiencing hangovers, and the weight of their unattainable resolutions bearing down on them, topped with photos of their embarrassing actions in their drunken revelry from last night slowly making their rounds across the internet, it is already clear to virtually all of civilization that 2019 will be nothing but a disappointment.

Whereas a minority of senselessly optimistic people maintain that there is still hope in humanity, and that things might get better somehow, the more realistic majority has declared that if anything good were to come of 2019, it would have happened already.

Indeed, 44% of Americans are putting off any and all actions until at least January 3rd, but warn against holding any hope for the rest of the year also. Another 21% of Americans are still surprised that they even made it to this morning, but are dismayed rather than encouraged by that fact. Approximately 31% of Americans were on the brink of of thinking that 2019 might be tolerable, but then suddenly realized that it would be full of presidential campaigning.

At present, all Americans are declining to comment further until perhaps March or April.

#Seasonal #NoraMichel #Social