NICASIO, CA—The latest in a long string of otherwise well-known and respected figures in the media to come under fire for past and recent sexual misconduct is none other than the astromech droid, R2-D2.
Often referred to simply as "R2," the beloved machine is known throughout the galaxy as having played an integral role in multiple key battles against the imperial armies as the Rebellion struggled to free all living things from the clutches of the evil Sith. Regardless of his impeccable record and multiple recognitions for going above and beyond the expectations of a normal nonliving object, it appears that he could no longer hide the darker side of his programming.
Multiple allegations have surfaced regarding the metal entity's conduct both during and after the Clone Wars. Although the details remain somewhat hazy at this time, they generally include accusations of inappropriate whistling sounds aimed at both female, male, and not specified beings of both earth and non-earth origins. The alleged victims of these incidents cite feeling singled out, disrespected, and objectified as the robot would stare uncomfortably at them with his unblinking optic sensor. "I could just feel that he was undressing me with that dead black eye thing," said one accuser.
"I was always so nervous when he was around me," shared an infantry member who spent two months near Mr. D2 during various campaigns. "He's only about as tall as my waist, so anytime he came near, I just had this feeling like he was looking right at my butt, and like he wanted to zap it with one of his little gadgets."
Given the seriousness of these allegations, Mr. D2 has chosen to remain out of the public spotlight. However, his secretary has read a statement regarding these claims, saying, "R2 wishes to apologize to anyone who was offended by his method of communication. Why his manufacturer chose to install only a whistling noise box for his sound production, he will never know. He takes all of these claims against him very seriously, and has agreed to enter a reprogramming facility for the next two weeks."
Whereas no criminal charges have been sought, it is unlikely that Mr. D2 will make any public appearances or be asked along on any more interstellar missions against the dark forces of the galaxy.
His long-time friend and coworker, C3PO was reached for comment, but just blubbered on forever and never actually said anything printworthy.