NEW YORK, NY—In a celebrity-filled, by-invitation-only event this last week, The Colon staff presented their prestigious Person of the Year Award to a plate of freshly baked double fudge brownies. The award was in recognition of its contributions to humanity, and the sheer level of impact it has had on the world in the year 2018.
Indeed, in a year full of heated political tribalism, natural disasters, increased racial tensions, and the live-action The Little Mermaid, this was a turbulent time for all of us. There were few figures who stood above the fray to unite us in our despair, but the one that clearly stood out above all others is this plate of warm, moist brownies. With its unwavering perfect balance between sweet and chocolaty, it served as our rock in times of deep despair. With steadfastness in character, it never asked anything in return, but gave literally all of itself freely to anyone in need. It did not judge us based on color, age, ability, or size. No judgment washed over it as we helped ourselves to a third or fourth helping. Its sacrifice was nothing short of noble, more so than any other candidate we considered.
So, it is with deepest admiration and gratitude that The Colon bestows its highest honor upon these brownies, and we hope for another amazing year with them.
Another notable mention for this year's award was triple fudge brownies, although ultimately they were found to be a little too arrogant for what The Colon feels this award represents.