NEW YORK CITY, NY—The United Nations has denounced the North Pole’s “Reindeer Games” in light of recent reports from several elf whistle blowers that the games were little more than a violent, glorified reindeer fighting ring. Since their inception in the late 1930s, the Reindeer Games have allegedly been both a publicity stunt and a euphemism for the animal fights banned by international law. Eddie the Elf, one of the whistle blowers, had much to say on the subject.
“The whole idea was Santa’s,” Eddie elucidated. “He figured he could make some serious money with the gambling and entertainment. Also, he wanted the public to think that the North Pole is a fun place where the reindeer play. However, he didn’t care about all the reindeer getting injured…or worse. Let me put it this way: You know the Christmas song about Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer? Let’s just say that he had a regular schnoz before the fighting ring started. His snout never did heal up right; that’s why he couldn’t play in anymore of them Reindeer Games.”
Mr. the Elf further explained that the blood of reindeer is bioluminescent, intermittently “glow[ing] in the dark like a bunch of them, there Christmas lights.” After Rudolph’s fighting career came to a halt, he was going to be put down since he had outlived his usefulness. However, Santa was able to exploit Rudolph’s injury one foggy Christmas Eve as he made the yearly run for his gift-delivery business, a front through which he allegedly launders money from the games and associated activities. The reindeer, and many others, have since gone missing.
While the United Nations’ denouncement has hurt the North Pole’s public image, many politicians feel that more should be done. The U.N. will be considering several measures, such as instituting comprehensive economic sanctions with specific emphasis on draining Santa’s milk and cookie reserves. However, Eddie the Elf warns that such sanctions, while affecting Santa directly, would cause more harm to the North Pole’s general population as the burden would be shifted to the elves, reindeer, and other citizens. As Eddie the Elf put it: “Santa beats us when no one else is around.”