SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Father Christmas issued a statement demanding all elves return to the North Pole this week following allegations that a participant in the "Elf on the Shelf" program caused the deaths of all five members of the Pierce family in their home two days ago.
The program assigns "scout elves" to each household every December to observe whether children are being naughty or nice. Elves are known to cause mischief on these missions, but investigators have reason to believe the elf in question, Delmo Tinseltoes, took things too far this time. The official report includes Instagram photos shared by Tammy Pierce, 34, in the days leading up to her death that show the elf tampering with a carbon monoxide detector, playing with the stove, and jamming clothes hangers into the furnace.
The Pierces were found Thursday morning, having expired due to carbon monoxide poisoning. Tinseltoes, 143, the sole survivor, sat in an open window and looked on with glazed eyes as emergency vehicles left with the deceased. "Most would dismiss this as an accident," Santa stated, "but they don't know Delmo like I do. He always loves to mess with heat sources so humans complain about how cold they are... but the fact that he tampered with that monitor... this was premeditated." Tinseltoes's motivations behind the quintuple homicide are still unknown, as the elf has invoked his right to remain silent.
This tragedy comes at a critical point in the Christmas season, as scout elves still have over two weeks of children's behavioral data to collect before final gift decisions will be made. Mr. Claus doesn't want the Pierces' deaths to dampen anyone's Christmas spirit, however, assuring that "They were on the naughty list anyway."