ORLANDO, FL—Sources informed The Colon that the lid you just put on your soft drink at your favorite fast food establishment came into direct contact with no fewer than nine other people's fingers before you got to it.
Indeed, witnesses explain that those nine people were also attempting to get a soft drink lid, and that four of them picked up your lid only to find that it was the wrong size for their soft drink cup, so they put it right back on top of the stack. Another two customers picked it up, but it was stuck to the lid underneath, so they used their fingers to separate the lids, and then set yours back on top. The other three people who touched your lid before you got to it just like to ruin things for unsuspecting and naive pushovers.
Witnesses could offer no information for how clean the fingers of those nine people were. They continually emphasized how their fingers could have been literally anywhere just prior to fumbling clumsily all over the lid on the beverage you are consuming. Statistically speaking, it is very likely that some of them had recently used the restroom, and given that five of them were male, it is a near certainty that at least one of them did not wash his hands after using the restroom.
By the way, sources also think you should know that one of the people who touched your lid was an 8-year-old boy, so you know that his personal hygiene borders on a state of emergency. Frankly, he should be on quarantine, never allowed to come into contact with other living things.
Sources also reassure you that you shouldn't worry about it. It's probably not an issue. That's why you have an immune system after all, and no one lives forever, so drink it all in, sicko. Was it worth all that for a diet Dr. Pepper?