PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—Despite decades of often troubled relations between the two countries, most officials visiting from the United States mistake North Korea for the North Pole. This seems to be the standard or rule no matter the amount of briefing, coaching, and prompting that diplomats receive. That is, they almost universally understand that they are going to the North Pole before, during, and even after diplomatic visits. Stephen Biegun, the U.S. Special Representative for North Korea, addressed the issue.
“It’s real easy to understand how people get confused on the matter,” Biegun started. “Ever since I was appointed to this position back in August, I’ve had to remind myself constantly that I am dealing with North Korea, not the North Pole. In hindsight, I don’t know if I would have accepted the appointment had I realized that it wasn’t the North Pole. In fact, the similarities between the two are eerie.
“First, all of those short-statured, malnourished North Koreans resembled elves, what with their poor work conditions in all those state-run workshops and whatnot. When they were speaking Korean, I thought that they were using their special elf language, like it was a little bit of Christmas magic.
“Second, well, north. I mean, North Korea, North Pole; of course it’s easy to mistake the two when you know you’re going somewhere north, it’s a special trip, and stakes are high. Naturally, every official knows that the Polar Express is infeasible since trains would not be able to travel to the North Pole as easily as modern planes. I get that. A plane trip to the North Pole is just as reasonable as one, say, to what turned out to be North Korea. The lack of snow was perplexing initially, but I figured that climate change was progressing faster than NASA’s research has been showing.
“Third, everything there is Christmas-colored. The flags and banners of their parades are red and their military dresses in green. I still confuse their military parades for Christmas pageants. Though they are year-round, I thought that this was normal for Santa’s domain.
“Finally, Kim Jong-un, the supreme leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, is just like Santa Clause. Let’s face it, he’s a rosy cheeked, rotund man who wields authority over his legions of followers. Like Santa, he enjoys cookies and he smiles and laughs frequently; looking back, his laughing and smiling were kind of creepy. Also, I assumed that he had shaved his beard and dyed his hair; I mean, surely Santa would want to take care of his appearance, right? That beard has to get itchy at times.”
Biegun finished by saying that this confusion is one of the reasons President Trump’s historic negotiations with North Korea went well. For example, normally it would have been awkward for a diplomat to ask to sit on another’s lap and list off demands but fortunately for U.S.-North Korean relations, this is considered normal behavior in North Korean culture, especially for a high-ranking government official.