BELTSVILLE, MD—Nutrition specialists at the National Agricultural Library are disturbed to announce the results of their research on the nation's dietary practices over the past five years. Among the discoveries made are data that indicate only about 67% of U.S. residents receive the recommended daily allowance of three 1-cup servings of gluten-rich foods. The remaining third of the population suffers from gluten deficiency, which exhibits undesirable symptoms including jaw tightness, irritability, fitful sleep, and disappointing bowel movements.
The research team's spokesperson, Andrew Buck, offered some background on the issue. "Gluten, the protein found in grains such as wheat, barley, and rye, has been vilified in recent years with the increased prevalence of conditions like celiac disease and gluten sensitivity/intolerance. Resultant negative views of the protein have led many to the errant belief that gluten itself is bad. This simply isn't true: gluten is a protein, plain and simple, and those who do not have specific disorders related to gluten have absolutely no reason to avoid it." The study found that among people who are capable of processing gluten without health problems, those who consume foods containing the protein are up to nine times happier than those who do not.
Buck went on to compare the misconception of gluten to the popular stigma surrounding carbohydrates: "All food is made up of proteins, fats, and carbohydrates, but people often treat carbs like the bad guy. The truth is, the human body needs all three components to function, and guess what, fruits and vegetables are mostly carbohydrates, numbskulls.... In a similar, but more recent approach, these idiots are choosing to abstain from one of life's few joys—wheat products—because of a fad."
What can be done to help Americans needlessly suffering from inadequate gluten intake? Buck and his associates suggest two main approaches: raise awareness that gluten isn't fundamentally bad, and offer supplements to augment diets low in gluten. "We figure the best way to get people off the gluten-free bandwagon is to have a celebrity promote the gluten bandwagon, so we'll be working on focus groups for that in the near future."
As far as supplementing goes, the team suggests having bread with every meal when possible, mixing a bit of wheat flour into any gluten-free breakfast cereals or drinks you happen to be consuming, and adding pretzels/crackers to your fruit/nut-based trail mixes. "Batter-frying foods is another delicious way to add gluten," Buck added with a glazed look in his eyes. Fortunately, Thanksgiving next week provides a great opportunity to increase your gluten intake with rolls, stuffing, gravy thickened with flour, salad croutons, bread crumbs in casseroles, and pie crust.
Buck concluded, "There are no recorded cases of gluten toxicity, so we nutritionists recommend going absolutely ham next week."