Scientists: Children's Music to Reach Irreversible Levels of Annoying by 2020

NEW HAVEN, CT—In a sobering report released on Friday of this week, scientists warned that time is quickly running out for humanity. With the ubiquity of social media outlets and internet accessibility, virtually anyone can compose, mix, or arrange new children's music, and there appears to be a rush toward the bottom since the recent release of several versions of "Rain Go Away," "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star," and "Hokey Pokey."

The statement, released by Yale University, was signed by more than 600 scientists from across North America. It did not mince words as it gave the clear call for action.

"We plead with all people of the earth. The situation could not be more dire. If we do not take immediate steps to reverse this course, then 'Baby Shark' will become a fond memory compared to what is coming."

Indeed, parents worldwide have already taken to social media to share the horrors of amateur animations paired with low-quality audio and off-key singing in some cases. In others, the video stimuli of flashing colors, nauseating costumes, and predictable choreography has left many parents losing sleep at night, haunted by the repetitive and simplistic melodies and overly enthusiastic performers.

The scientists' statement included a strongly worded admonishment for the current state in which we find ourselves. "We can blame only ourselves. Perhaps it was hubris, or perhaps willful ignorance. For far too long, we have turned a blind eye to the growing threat. We figured that it was just a phase, or that it could never get as bad as it is. Well, now look at where we are."

The scientists, 98% of whom are parents of young children, offered steps that must be taken immediately if there is any hope of avoiding catastrophic levels of inane fanfare. First, they advise that the internet be entirely shut down and dismantled, the servers destroyed, melted, buried, paved over, and then blessed by a holy man. They admit, "this may seem an extreme step to some, but this is where we are, people. This is our last chance."

Second, the scientists recommend "the harshest of punishments inflicted on anyone, of any age, who dares to sing, whistle, hum, or even think about any one of these [children's] tunes." They specifically recommend that electrical shocks be the standard punishment for initial offenses, but insist that lobotomies may be the only way to "ensure that future generations have a chance."

As of press time, already sixteen of the most popular children's songs accounts on YouTube have been shut down, and many of the producers and composers have been either imprisoned or executed by mobs. When reached for comment, Trina Jakobi, Ph.D., a spokesperson for the scientists, stated, "This is good news to hear that people are finally waking up, but I'm afraid that we may be too late."

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