WASHINGTON, DC—Following Cesar Altieri Sayoc’s alleged foiled plot last week to send and detonate numerous pipe bombs, the United States Postmaster General, Michelle Lennon, sent a friendly reminder to the nation via press conference that explosives and certain other items should not be shipped without disclosing the contents. Sayoc had sent pipe bombs to CNN and several prominent Democrats around the nation last week but the explosives were intercepted; it is unclear whether they were part of an eBay, Amazon, or other online order.
“Hi, everybody,” Lennon said, somewhat timidly. “I’ve been with the United States Postal Service (USPS) since 1986, when I started as a letter carrier in Pennsylvania. So, um, I know a thing or two about mail.
“I’m sure that the man in custody, Mr. Sayoc, was like many other Americans: you know, busy with all the hustle and bustle of the approaching holiday season. (That’s a big time of year for us, you know.) Anyway, he probably was just in a hurry; I mean, he left a fingerprint on one of the envelopes, there were some DNA samples left on two of the devices, he put the wrong return name and address, and he forgot to let a post office teller know what he was going to ship in all those packages. Sadly, shipping explosives is a service that we, um, do not offer at this time, though we are working to change that; we may start offering a flat rate box for bombs and other explosive devices. Maybe we’ll start internationally to see how it performs. Time will tell, especially if they’re timed devices.”
Apparently, some other commonly prohibited items are air bags, ammunition, gasoline, and marijuana. Also, fresh produce, such as potatoes or yams, can be shipped domestically but not internationally. While these and other items are restricted for shipping via the USPS, Lennon noted that there are other more effective ways for transporting explosives.
“Well, for instance, you could drive explosives to an intended recipient’s house or ask around, you know, for friends or colleagues who could do you a favor. You might even be able to take a Greyhound bus if that is more economical. It’s a little out of my jurisdiction but you might even be able to take it as a carry on if you happen to be flying in that direction. The important thing is to be up front and ask the right person.”
After the press conference, Sayoc was released and his bombs were returned to him with the recommendation that he check with a post office teller if he had any question about what he could ship in the future. If nothing else, he could distribute the devices in person at the next Democratic National Convention, assuming that they are permitted.