ARLINGTON, VA—The U.S. military announced earlier this month that it will be withdrawing from the Culinary Weapons Convention (CWC) Treaty, which prohibits the development, stockpiling, acquisition, retention, and production of food-based weaponry. The announcement comes amidst rising tensions between the U.S. and Russia regarding national security and the breakdown of the Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces (INF) Treaty. Various state-parties have violated their commitments to the CWC Treaty and the Pentagon has stated that the U.S. military will no longer allow itself to fall behind foreign powers in the race for gastronomic dominance.
Formerly mothballed U.S. weapons programs already reopened include other condiment-releasing devices. Ketchup and mayonnaise gases were in development during the early 20th Century and it is expected that with the advent of Heinz’s Mayochup—colloquially called “fry sauce”—military scientists may seek to combine the two in a similar manner or composition.
Additionally, the recent trade agreements with Canada and Mexico are believed to have been brokered rapidly to provide the U.S. with access to additional resources needed for research. Canada’s Poutine Gut-buster 3000 Torpedo should provide the U.S. Navy with the most advanced piece of potato weaponry in marine warfare; it is likely to be implemented alongside the 57MM Naval Orange Gun System. Likewise, Mexico’s stockpile of south-of-the-border cuisine makes it an advantageous trade partner; sources close to Mexican officials have leaked only the name of one of its naval developments, called Montezuma’s Revenge.
Aside from additions to the naval arsenal, there are major prospective advancements in the capabilities of the Air Force. Alleged Air Force projects include the Bud Light (BL) 86 Air-to-surface Booze Missile, the Hellfire Wing Sauce Missile, and the Yeast-baker Bomber Aircraft; the lattermost is speculated to bake bread bombs en route to its target, using Pillsbury dough with the words “death from above” engraved on each loaf.
Furthermore, sources in the U.S. Army report a great deal of excitement in the research division for its infantry. The Lemonade Grenade, abbreviated “Lemongrade,” is to look like a small lemon juice bottle and will spray citric acid seconds after the cap-like pin is pulled. The Mashed Potato Bang Grenade (Mashbang) may temporarily blind—and possibly feed—the enemy infantry with a healthy serving of loaded mashed potatoes with room for seconds. Two new pistols are thought to be in development: the Coke Single Action and the Dessert Eagle. The most specious rumor posits that there are talks of an Aspartame-thrower, which would be more economical than caramelized sugar combustion but with greater risk of second-degree headaches, weight gain, and dizziness.
As the U.S. military seeks to develop culinary weapons with the hope of never using them, far more controversial devices have been used in recent years. In the Middle East, Ham Hock Anti-personnel Mines have been used by both sides of several war-torn nations and in terrorist attacks, particularly within Israel; this is especially worrisome as the flesh of swine is considered neither Halal in Islam nor Kosher—more accurately, Kashrut—in Judaism. Milk Guns, Udder Bombs, and other dairy delivery systems have sparked similar dismay due to the prevalence of lactose intolerance. With the announced withdrawal of the United States from the CWC, it is uncertain whether such weapons can be restrained or whether the CWC will carry—or lose—any weight