SYRACUSE, NY—The city normally known for its salt potatoes and institutions of higher learning has a new claim to fame after multiple female residents called local and federal authorities to report the stench of what they believed to be a rotting corpse inside a men's public restroom.
Local police confirm that they received at least 20 calls on Thursday of this week regarding an odor that was described as "definitely not natural," "worse than anything I or anyone I know has ever experienced," and "life-altering in the worst imaginable way."
Police spokesperson Donald Pearson, 51, in a statement to the press, said, "We immediately sent personnel to the location in question, which was reported to be a men's restroom inside a convenience store in the downtown area. Officers followed standard procedure in limiting access to the area and being very cautious not to disturb any evidence that may have been left at the scene. Due to the severity of the malodorous miasma that was reported to be apparent to anyone within 300 feet of the building, we placed officers in full hazardous materials suits. However, upon entry to the men's restroom in question, everything appeared to be in order. There was no sign of a crime for which we have any law. There was certainly no corpse."
In the question-taking section of the statement, press asked for clarification about what was found in the restroom. Pearson added, "Well, I suppose we did find what could be considered signs of a struggle, but probably not exactly what you mean... Yes, it does appear to have been violent, but no, there was no reason to suspect a crime had been committed...Again, there was no rotting corpse as had been feared. It appears that the room just sort of is that way. It just smells like that now."
It appeared to be a simple false alarm to the local authorities, but local residents were still not convinced. One of the female residents who reported the stench in the first place remained nearby to see what would come of the investigation. When officers were about to close down the search, she was adamant that they were making a mistake. "No, this can't be right," said Trina Jakobi, 27, visibly agitated. "Go back in there—there's no way that's not a rotting corpse!"
Law enforcement attempted to explain to her that there was nothing unusual about the restroom, she insisted that there had been some mistake. "Well then the corpse is stuffed in a pipe or in the ceiling or something! I mean, come on! You have to smell what I'm smelling!"
After departing the scene, Jakobi and several other area residents insisted that there must be something amiss, and thought perhaps the local law enforcement had missed something, so they called the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Within two hours, FBI agents came upon the scene, accompanied by local law enforcement. After a thorough investigation, they too could offer only that "that's just how the place smells."
At present, local female residents are seeking several solutions. Some have already made arrangements to move as far as 6 miles from the restroom in question, whereas others have begun a petition to have the building demolished, its rubble incinerated, the ashes buried in the deepest depths of the ocean, and then the remaining crater paved over, torched again 3 more times, and then declared a "restricted area" until the end of time.