GOTHAM CITY, NY—In an effort to show criminals that law-abiding citizens can have nice things, too, Gotham City’s dark knight, Batman, has begun to flaunt his apparent wealth with bling additions to his outfit. Noting that past efforts to rid Gotham of crime have had mixed results, Batman decided to try the new approach to further emphasize his message that crime is unnecessary and undesirable. Gotham City Police Commissioner James Gordon was impressed with the changes.
“I have always been a fan of our caped crusader and what he represents,” Gordon said. “However, I felt like he had been drifting recently in his fashion sense, almost like it was time for him to rebrand himself. The dark outfit, allowing him to blend into the shadows, was nice for a while but ultimately felt a little stagnant lately. Now, criminals turn their heads to see him walking a mile away, impressed by his new look and wishing that they could look that cool. We call him the ‘lit knight’ now”
Among the changes that Batman, AKA the lit night, has made are his gold-plated utility belt and chest bat insignia, a cape made from Armani wool, a diamond-studded crown, and a large solid-gold necklace with the words, “I like big bats and I cannot lie.” Additionally, he now walks or struts with a lavish mauve and silver cane and wears bright jewelry on every finger. During the winter months, he even wears opulent, fur coats.
“Man, that Batman is pimping!” one anonymous cassava thief reported after the crime fighter restrained him for the police. “If that guy can have such sweet digs while obeying the law, maybe there’s hope for me yet.”
Batman’s suit is not the only thing that he’s changed as part of his new persona. He has decked out his “already sweet ride,” the Batmobile, with neon lights (semi-legal in Gotham), hydraulics, and a “dope” speaker system. He even replaced the senescent Bat Signal with multicolored Bat Strobe Lights and the Bat Fog Machine.
Batman’s recent rebranding and other efforts have already had an effect. The city has been crime-free for the past few nights, but this does not mean he is not busy; he throws “clean raves” for the local community with his Batmobile providing the lights and sounds. The rest of the Justice League was even reported as being in attendance.
The only calls to the police last night were rave-related noise complaints.