DES MOINES, IA—The local Special Weapons and Tactics (SWAT) team took out dozens of cats yesterday in what was apparently a mistaken hostage situation. Mrs. Elizabeth Jenkins, age 63, has been an enthusiastic, multi-feline steward (AKA crazy cat lady) since being widowed eleven years ago. Despite her alleged passion (i.e. disorder), Jenkins’ neighbors knew little about her or that she even owned cats. An anonymous neighbor reported what looked like a hostage situation when she passed by the open living room window.
“I was just going on a leisurely walk through the neighborhood when I saw a bizarre scene in [Mrs. Jenkins’] house. She was passed out on a recliner with her back to the window but these cats! There were swarms of them! This whole pack—or is it called a pride? Anyway, this whole group of cats was just surrounding her, bumping against her. I tried to get her attention by tapping on the window, yelling her name, and even ringing the doorbell but she wouldn’t budge. I could hear her snoring deeply, so I worried that the felines had drugged her and were holding her for some nefarious purpose. I called the local precinct right away.” The police arrived within 20 minutes, along with their SWAT team and hostage negotiator. Nothing prepared them for what they saw.
“I’ve seen some pretty gruesome things in my day,” Chief of Police Danny Mingert reported, “but none of my training, nothing in all my years of experience, could prepare me for the scene that unfolded. I saw a gaggle of cats—or is it called a kennel? Anyway, I saw all sorts of cats, some of them pretty rough looking and menacing, covering almost every square foot of that living room. There was something very unsavory about the whole thing. Fortunately, I was actually positioned across the street with binoculars for much of the episode.”
The hostage negotiator attempted to communicate with the cats via phone or even by knocking gently on the door. However, that just seemed to incite them as they would glare toward the window and meow aggressively and incoherently; their hostile pacing and grooming increased multifold.
“We weren’t sure what the cats wanted,” Mingert continued. “I mean, who does? Fortunately, or so we thought at the time, our SWAT team was in place, ready to break in at any instant. The order was given to strike when our spotter saw several of the cats pulling out their claws near the recliner. They say that hindsight is 20/20; well, in hindsight, the cats were probably just about to do that kneading thing that they do, probably on that recliner.” The SWAT team broke through the front and back doors, shooting every cat within several seconds, leaving no survivors. According to one SWAT team member, it was an unusual situation.
“Yeah, normally with humans, it’s usually two shots to the chest, one to the head in close quarters. This is sometimes called the Mozambique Drill. However, with the cats, we had to improvise a bit: two shots to the back or side in the thoracic area, then one to the head.” The SWAT team member continued to describe how the cats were easy to take out, despite their relatively small sizes, due to their sheer numbers.
While Mrs. Jenkins did not respond initially to verbal stimuli, she awoke readily when shaken lightly. It turns out that she was not drugged, but she did state matter-of-factly that she is a heavy sleeper. She mourned over the cats, which were apparently kept, in some manner, as pets.
“My clowder, clutter, or glaring of cats—as they are called—don’t (sic) like baths generally; I think that this bloodbath is no exception,” Mrs. Jenkins offered. Despite her obvious sorrow, Mrs. Jenkins did confirm that similar embarrassing situations have unfolded in the past, typically every few years.
The latest report on Mrs. Jenkins is that she was on her way to the local Humane Society chapter for her next batch of kitties.