HARLAN, KY—Law enforcement officers at all levels of the government were pleased to announce the capture of Lester Clemson, 47, who is alleged to be the originator of as much as 63% of all death threats made on U.S. territory over at least the last 10 years.
Residing in a run-down shack several miles outside of a small town, Clemson boasts a surprisingly sophisticated network of unlisted phone numbers, masked internet connections, and thousands of social media accounts. He is believed to have been responsible for death threats delivered in virtually all conceivable ways, to people of all backgrounds, for literally any reason.
An FBI spokesperson explained that Clemson is believed to be responsible for threatening direct physical harm to just about anyone, although his motive remains mysterious. For example, he is suspected to be behind threats made online and by letter to John Schnatter, the founder of national pizza chain Papa John's, following the revelations that he had made racist comments during a training meeting. However, he is also believed to have threatened to kill board members who pressured Schnatter to resign due to those comments. Among some of the other targets alleged to have been threatened by Clemson are Brett Kavanaugh and his accuser, Dr. Ford. He also is accused of having threatened several police officers, prominent leaders of the Black Lives Matter movement, Colin Kaepernick, and President Trump.
"I can't say I'm surprised," said a long-time acquaintance of Clemson, Talon Hickey. "Ol' Lester's always fuming about somethin' or someone. He's been threatening to kill me since we first met, oh 'bout 24 years ago. He don't mean nothin' by it, though. It's just his way."
Clemson's hair trigger has earned him a bit of a reputation around town, though he reportedly only rarely can be found there. "I remember one time when he dropped in for some supplies," shared Alena Grayson, 35. "I was working at the counter, and when it was his turn, I asked him how he was and if he'd found everything alright. He looked at me stone cold and said, 'It'd be a shame if your children lost their mother. You better keep your mouth shut.' He said stuff like that 5 or 6 more times before I was done totaling up his purchase. Should have heard him when I asked if he wanted help getting all his stuff to his car. He said, 'I'd make it so that they never found your body.' Boy, that Lester sure was a character."
When reached to comment on the accusations, Clemson stated with conviction that "I'll gut you like a fish! I'm gonna paint the courtroom red with the judge's blood!" and other such gems.