PORTLAND, OR—In what may be the least surprising revelation of all time, area man and insufferable douche bag Clay Peeks, 27, shared with co-workers on Saturday that he is into jazz music.
The man is reportedly under the delusion that he is some sort of pioneer in style, ideas, and even in taste in music, even though it is obvious to every person around him that he just chooses to like things that are not mainstream.
The cringe-worthy admission took place at approximately 12:24 p.m. in the break room at their place of work. Several employees of the local coffee house were enjoying a lunch break when someone brought up a local venue where an alternative rock band was soon to play. Bennett Johnson, 24, shared what happened.
"[Coworker] Don[ald Brown] and I were talking about maybe getting tickets to go and see this rock concert, because that's what people our age often do, and we thoroughly and legitimately enjoy rock music. So then Clay pipes in—we weren't even talking to him, mind you—and says 'I'm way into jazz,' with this look on his face like he had just told us he grew up in the [expletive] rain forest or something."
Clay's coworkers were neither impressed nor surprised at this revelation.
"Don and I just looked at each other, and then we both said, 'Of course you are, Clay.' Of course he is."
Others who are in Clay's group of acquaintances noted that he often seems to make efforts to be different from the rest of them in many ways. One said, "Yeah, I once mentioned in passing that I liked a movie I'd seen over the weekend, and then Clay just hijacked the conversation and started talking about how he 'can't stand anything besides French cinema.' What a douche."
Another coworker became fed up with whatever complex Mr. Peeks clearly has. Trey Weston, 31, said, "Yeah, one time I just got so sick of [Clay] and his stupid face. He's always trying to not quite fit people's expectations, right? So I figured I'd use that against him. During the 2016 election season, we all knew he would never support either of the two-party candidates, because that's too obvious. If I knew anything about him, he was going to say he'd support the most obscure name on the ballot. So, I looked it up ahead of time, and then mentioned that I was going to support Jill Stein, of the Pacific Green Party. Now, I had him backed into a corner, see, because there's no way he was going to agree with me—that would be to admit defeat. He just can't stand to fit in with anybody. So, I say I'm supporting Stein, and then I look at him, and I can see I've got him."
The others who were present on that day agree that it was deliciously satisfying. "He's always trying to blow our minds with his stupid words and things he's saying. But that time, instead of looking like he was about to tell us that he was raised by wolves or something, he looked like a cornered rat."
Reportedly, after an uncomfortable silence while the coworkers all watched him, waiting for his response, Clay finally broke his silence and said, "Hey man, do your thing. Voting's just feeding the system, in my opinion."
Weston commented, "He's good. We had him in check, but he outmaneuvered us."
When reached for comment, Clay made it a point to observe the digital voice recorder the journalist was using, and stated, "That's cool if that's your thing. I don't think you can beat the charm of the 8-track, though."
A petition is currently circulating the internet to have Clay deported to anywhere but here.