NEWPORT BEACH, CA—A local cinnamon roll has been openly mocking area woman Patricia Collins, age 34, for the past 20 minutes, knowing full well that she is on the third week of her long-term diet. The disturbing incident is taking place at La Bord de Mer, a restaurant and bakery, where Collins had gone with a group of friends for what they thought would be a relaxing lunch.
“I went in thinking that I might just order a low-calorie salad,” a visibly distraught Collins reported, “or maybe a low-carb smoothie. I had no idea that I would be faced by… this!” The cinnamon roll in question—a freshly baked, 630-calorie cloud of sweet melt-in-your-mouth bread, delectable cinnamon sugar, and oh-so-smooth cream cheese frosting—beckoned disdainfully to Collins the moment she and her friends began looking for seating. Sitting within a glass display adorned with a sign in fancy cursive script, it seemed to say, “All the classy patrons eat me. You’re classy, aren’t you?”
Collins hurriedly walked away from the counter once her group located an acceptable table but she could not turn away from the treat, whose charming aroma seemed to pull in her gaze and say, “You’ve been doing so well on your diet. Why not reward yourself with me? I will give your taste buds a warm hug and all of my unconditional love. All your worries will melt away as I melt in your mouth.” Matters worsened as the group took the table that stood across from the cinnamon roll’s display and the arrangement forced Collins to take the seat with a perfect view of the tempting treat. The situation quickly escalated after the menus arrived.
“Those baked items up front look so good,” one of Collins’ perfectly fit friends started.
“Yeah, I could totally go for a pastry or one of those rolls,” another, athletic friend commented lustfully. The roll’s swirling eye of cinnamon and cream cheese seemed to glance at Collins longingly, as if to say, “See? Your friends want me but they do not deserve me like you do. Please, my love, I beg you to partake. I am meant for you.” When Collins’ table asked for more time with the menu, the treat took a more aggressive approach, citing recent literature that associated low-carb diets with decreased life expectancy and other health concerns. Collins worried her friends as she began to breathe heavily in response to the delectable cinnamon roll, which appeared to become more derisive in its advances.
“Come on, fatty. You have so many rolls on you already. What’s one more? You know that I’m everything you want, everything you need, everything you are...” When the waiter asked if the party were ready to order, a red-faced Collins broke down into tears, sobbing violently. The waiter quickly apologized for pressuring the table and the rest of the group sought to comfort Collins, who actually maintains a healthy weight despite the accusations of certain food items.
“It was odd,” one of Collins’ friends later reported between bites. “Pat’s the one on a diet, but the rest of us seemed to hear the cinnamon roll, too.”