GOTHAM CITY, NJ—A safety inspector from Gotham was forced to shut down the mysterious Batcave after finding hundreds of building code violations, casting a dark shadow over an already-mystery-shrouded part of the area.
The only known resident is a controversial figure known as "the Batman," or sometimes "the Dark Knight." Although it is not clear how long he had been living in the cave, he is a person of interest in hundreds of criminal cases.
The inspector did not mince words after spending over 5 hours meticulously poring over every inch of the alleged vigilante's headquarters. "I've never seen anything like it," said Victor Klein, who has been a licensed building inspector since 1996. "I mean, for a guy who puts so much effort into his outfit, you'd think he would be more careful about wiring a 20-amp GFCI outlet on a 15-amp line, but I guess not."
Klein was shocked that it even occurred to someone to set up a dwelling in the expansive cave. "With the constant water drip in there, and poor ventilation, it's amazing that anybody thought to take down all of that electrical equipment in the first place. I mean, you should see the computer stuff this guy's got. Looks like he's big into video games, maybe. I don't know. But this whole place is a huge electrical nightmare."
In addition to the electrical challenges, Klein was surprised to find virtually no plumbing that would be expected of a modern dwelling. "I don't know where this bat-guy has been doing his business, but I sure didn't find a toilet anywhere, if you catch my drift. Saw a roll of toilet paper hanging from a nail in a rock around a corner, but that's all. It makes me wonder where he even washes his hands."
Klein, who has inspected properties as diverse as barns and airports, was especially troubled by the lack of safety measures on high ledges, which were reportedly substantial. "Oh gosh. I'm just glad that we caught this place when we did. Heaven forbid that a little kid comes wandering in here and starts taking a look around. This guy has cliffs and ledges all over the place, and not a stair rail to be found! There's a spot by where he parks that fancy car of his: it drops like 50 feet, and the guy doesn't have so much as 'caution' sign."
The father of two added, "I can't imagine he entertains many people here."
Regarding plans for the property, Klein stated that the cave could no longer be legally occupied until it is brought into compliance with code. Given the extent of the necessary repairs, it's not likely to be back up and running for some time.
Neighbor and owner of the property, Bruce Wayne, of Wayne Enterprises, had little to say of the event, stating only, "Oh, jeepers! I can't say that I really knew I even had a neighbor there. Hand-to-God, I always figured that was just an empty cave. Guy must like to keep to himself, I guess. I hear he's a really nice guy if you get to know him. Super strong, too. Oh, but there's no need to follow up on this story. I'll have a word with the fellow."
The enigmatic resident of the cave, the Batman, could not be reached for comment after disappearing in a cloud of smoke just after hearing the inspector's report.