BERKELEY, CA—What may be the most liberal university in the U.S. sits nearly empty today after students organized a campus-wide walkout to protest education of any sort.
Students at the University of California, Berkeley, rose nearly simultaneously at 10:00 a.m. on Wednesday, and departed their classrooms and dorms to gather in the streets, chanting,"Learning is Oppression!" Other groups were found singing "We don't need no education!" a la Pink Floyd.
While gathered on the street, a few students took turns with a megaphone to stir up the crowd, and offered insight into the motive for the demonstration. One said, "These professors, they think they [sic] better than us! They want to teach us somethin', but lemme tell you somethin': What I already know got me this far. Why ain't that good enough for you?"
Another made several rambling statements about how education is a manner of "brainwashing" weaker minds.
The Colon caught up with some of the protesters in the crowd and asked their views. Biology major Darnell Howard, 20, said, "Well, to me it's all about equality. The whole idea of education implies that somebody knows more than somebody else, and that's just wrong. So we say, let's end this whole system."
Another student, undeclared major Tucker Newsome, 19, said, "Yeah, I got really uncomfortable in class the other day when my professor told us that something I thought was true actually wasn't. Now I feel unsafe all the time, like the world is spinning out of control. Nobody should have to feel this way. Learning things was a nice idea, but what price are we willing to pay?"
One of the apparent leaders of the protest approached The Colon staff and asked why we were there. When told that we wanted to understand why they were protesting, the individual shouted, "Oh what? Because you want to learn about what we're doing, right? Man, you don't get it! You're beautiful the way you are! You don't need to have new thoughts and ideas come your way to be better. That's ignorancephobic! We're all here to show the world that education is oppression! Teaching is hate! Grades are discrimination! Learning is triggering!"
There were loud cheers from the other protesters, before another person added, "Yeah, man. Knowing things is dangerous. You never know what's going to happen. You could use that knowledge to offend someone else, or you might lose sleep over what you know. It's way too risky."
The protest lasted for several hours, and was loud, but relatively harmless. There was litter, but no damage to property in the vicinity of the demonstrations. It finally fizzled out when a light rain began to fall. One student said they had upset God, and no one dared to correct her, so they all just left.
The University has released a statement that they will still hold classes this semester, but that they will no longer call them classes. They will now be referred to as "listening sessions," and professors will just stand by and be available while students color, play with the chalkboards, and braid each other's hair.