SAN ANTONIO, TX—Foliage surrounding a local residence has become increasingly agitated by a fellow member of the flora family. What is known locally only as "The Tree," has been the subject of some scrutiny by its peers for the last several weeks. The Tree has been housed comfortably inside a residence, in the living room, for 8 months, where it adds to the ambiance and "chi" of the room, according to its purchaser. According to the outdoor plant citizens of the area, the indoor tree's attitude has become smug, and downright entitled in recent weeks. The tree's biggest critic is a raspberry bush from the neglected garden, who has a direct line of sight into one of the many windows near which the indoor tree stands. "So me, I [have] been out here for 8 years! 8! They [the owners] took real good care of me for the first year. But after that, I hardly see 'em except when they're scoopin' up the dog doo. Anywho, a while ago, I look up through the window, and what do I see starin' back at me, but that pretty boy in there." According to the outdoor vegetation near the residence, the indoor tree is often standing emotionless and stoic, as if to mock their swaying in the outdoor wind. "Guy just sits there!" explained the raspberry bush. "It's insulting!" To add insult, the raspberry bush will occasionally go several days without a drop of natural rainwater—the only source of moisture it receives. However, the indoor tree "gets a big ol' pail of fresh water straight out of the tap everyday, like clockwork!" Witnesses report that the resident of the house regularly waters the tree just before departing for work that morning. "Last week, I haven't had a drink in 4 days. I peek in, and this jerk [indoor tree] is sucking up the clearest, wettest water you ever seen [sic], just starin' back at me like 'What's your problem, Razzy?' The nerve!" The indoor tree is apparently not only sheltered from the actual weather by being kept in a comfortable 72 degrees Fahrenheit year-round, but has never faced a nesting bird, or a spider attempting a web, and other common pests that the other plants take as a constant. "You ever had a spider up in your business, building a sticky, silky web, and then sucking fly guts out all night? It's disgusting," commented the raspberry bush. Although the plants outside of the house are powerless to harm the indoor plant in any foreseeable way, they spend a great deal of their time fantasizing about what they might do to the indoor tree should they somehow become mobile.
"Me? I'd suffocate his roots with a whole lotta weeds. I'd choke him off of his juice so slowly, he'd beg me to turn him into a jewelry box," shared the raspberry bush.
A volunteer sunflower took a different approach to the imagined demise of the privileged but indifferent tree. "I'd like to wait until the coldest day of winter and then just hurl him into a pile of snow. Watch him shrivel up right there."
Apparently oblivious to the resentment present beyond the glass between them, the indoor tree merely carried on its usual inactivity.
When reached for comment, the indoor tree slapped the reporter's notepad onto the floor and called him a homophobic slur.