AUBURN, AL—In a candid interview with The Colon, faculty members of a local university's Department of Entomology and Plant Pathology admitted not one of them has ever confidently identified a wasp or hornet on the first try.
The professors, whose real names have been withheld, confided that their confusion regarding the vespid insects has been a source of embarrassment throughout their careers, but they are comforted by the fact that every other entomologist in the western hemisphere and perhaps the world is also still struggling to figure it out.
The department chair, whom we'll call "Williams," offered his ideas: "It's not too hard to tell a bee from a wasp-type thingy. But once you know you're looking at the latter, that's where it gets a bit fuzzier; I always thought wasps were the striped guys—you know, yellow and black?—and hornets were all black or some other solid color, but looking at guidebooks, that doesn't seem to check out."
Williams, who has researched and taught about insects for over 20 years, shrugged as his colleague, "Davis," added her theory. "I think it's based on size, like if it's over a certain average size, that species is called a hornet, and anything smaller is a wasp. That seems weird, though, I mean, isn't there some more genetic or ecological distinction that would lead to them being in separate genera?"
"Oh yeah," Williams realized, "hornets live in eusocial colonies, and wasps... well, shoot. Lots of wasps are eusocial, too." A third colleague, "Hernandez," chimed in: "Crap, I was thinking hornets were solitary. So much for that theory. Do they eat different things?" A quick internet search revealed that the diets of wasps and hornets are remarkably similar. They also both build paper nests and, unlike bees, can sting multiple times. As part of the search, the professors also learned that the "bald faced hornet" is actually a wasp, not a "true" hornet. "What the [expletive]?!" the three demanded in unison.
"Wow," Hernandez concluded, "we may never know which is which: they're virtually impossible to distinguish." "Not that it matters anyway," Williams, the lead entomologist, added. "If I see one of those suckers, I'm just gonna smash it and move on with my day."