GREEN BAY, WI—In what may be the most brazen display of privilege witnesses have ever seen, area man and acquaintance Tyler Kittredge, 39, was seen promenading around the local hardware store with a small package of 3.5 inch, Philips bugle head, stainless steel exterior screws.
Mr. Pretty-boy Kittredge, as he is commonly known among those vaguely familiar with him, took special note that those screws are priced several cents above the comparable polymer coated screws, which apparently were not good enough to get the job done for the father-of-two.
Waltzing down the aisles with his wife of 12 years, the middle-aged man openly mocked other shoppers with his full head of hair and chiseled good looks, then compared screw packages before ultimately selecting the most expensive set available. Sources agree that the pack of 30 screws is probably even more than he needs to finish building his spaceship or whatever project could possibly require the top-of-the-line frivolity that are stainless steel screws.
Other shoppers silently judged and condemned the vain man, who is apparently unaware that there are starving children in several countries all over the world while he spends money like a corrupt politician.
As he neared the checkout with his prize in the cart, he took no note of the clearance display. Instead, without even flinching, looking the clerk directly in the eye, he paid cash for the screws that would buy a month's worth of food for a family of six in Ethiopia.
Then, acting as if he does not have a monthly mortgage payment like the rest of the world, Big-shot Kittredge tossed a candy bar onto the counter, knowing full well that they are overpriced at hardware stores, and that there is a reasonably-priced grocery store just 3 blocks away on his way home from the store.
Honest, hardworking citizens of the town are both shocked and appalled by the behavior they witnessed. They agreed that, although they hope to one day also be able to afford such a luxury as stainless steel screws, they would never be so shameless as to purchase them in public where any decent and humble shopper might take notice.
As of press time, the audacious Kittredge could be seen assembling his power drill for which he no doubt has two batteries fully charged to execute his bidding. He then escaped to his back yard, perhaps finally overcome with shame.