SACRAMENTO, CA—Social and behavioral scientists wrapped up a 6-month, $400,000 study examining what things caused subjects to do things that would have, under normal circumstances, seemed unconscionable.
They were surprised to find that it was relatively simple to get people to do very stupid things, as Professor Jasmine Venezuela, 42, explained. "One of the biggest surprises was that about 22% of the 3,023 subjects included in the study immediately inquired about stupid things they could get themselves into. For example, several of the subjects, as soon as they stepped into the research laboratory, asked if there were any drugs they could test out for us. Or my favorite was one man from L.A. who immediately handed the lab assistant his social security card. She [the lab assistant] hadn't even asked for anything."
Whereas just over a fifth of subjects volunteered to do moronic acts, it was only slightly more difficult to get others to agree to do ludicrous things.
"Finally, after we got consent from the subjects to continue to participate in the project, we would start with a simple question: 'Would you like to purchase an extended warranty for anything that you own?' About half of them ate that up like kibble."
Dr. Venezuela described the difficulty explaining to participants after their sessions that they had not actually purchased any warranty, and some even insisted that the lab assistant take their money.
"It's as if they were begging to be taken advantage of," added Venezuela.
The research found several other patterns, such as certain demographics who seem more prone to engaging in asinine behaviors, the limits to which their stupidity would go, and other such things. However, part of the research was interested in those people who seem unlikely to do stupid things.
"Some people out there were skeptical of what we were doing. We really knew they were going to be hard nuts to crack when we offered them a peppermint candy that we said we were pretty sure would keep them safe from bear attacks for life. A lot of people paid a full $100 for the candy, and some talked us down to as low as $20. There were just a few who asked for some kind of proof that it worked first. Those guys were tough ones."
Although the research team tried several steps to get past the resistance of the subjects, few of them worked with consistency. "We found that sometimes whining about it would get people to cave, and at other times some subjects really responded to dares or name-calling, like 'chicken.'"
Still, as the research assistants persisted, they found that virtually all of the subjects succumbed to the invitation to engage in nonsensical and risky behavior after using a key phrase.
"Basically everyone would fall for anything we asked them to do when we looked into their eyes without flinching, and said, 'Trust me.' They dropped like flies with that one," related Dr. Venezuela, who has never been golfing.
The implications of the study are quite straightforward, and are expected to especially benefit marketing firms and people running scams.
"I think one of the real take-homes here is that people are really gullible, and will do just about anything that is against their best interest if you just dress it up a little and put lipstick on it. Act confident, and you can hardly lose."
As of press time, The Colon has transferred all ownership to some guy who sent us a pretty convincing email.