SHREVEPORT, LA—The once-youthful and attractive area resident, Chase Jeeter, 29, has recently come to grips with his genetic situation, and is handling it surprisingly well.
Jeeter, who is a chef at a popular restaurant in town, took a look into his bathroom mirror on Tuesday morning of this week after a refreshing shower. As he inspected his appearance, he noticed that his hairline appeared to be receding. At first, he reacted with some shock and disbelief, but after comparing photos from years ago to his current image, he was faced with the terrible reality that so many men are forced to face near his age.
"I guess it shouldn't surprise me that I'm going bald," he stated in a candid interview with The Colon. "My male relatives look like a rack of bowling balls."
After some initial wrestling with aging, his mortality, and what a cruel joke existence is, Jeeter had an epiphany that changed his outlook.
"I was staring down at my shower drain, pondering how much of my worth-as-a-man had been washed down into the abyss that morning, when it hit me: If I don't have hair, I don't have to shampoo anymore!"
Jeeter appeared visibly excited at the notion as he described his logic.
"I mean, I do it all for the ladies, right? I don't scrimp on my haircare. Showering every day, sometimes twice if I go running, you're looking at as much as $20 a year on shampoo. Don't even get me started on the conditioner!"
The silver-lining finder went on to detail the few minutes it takes to lather by which he he will soon no longer be burdened, ignorantly and perhaps desperately attempting to convince the reporter (or perhaps himself) how much time he'll save with a cheap comb-over and a baseball cap he found on the side of the road, both of which are clearly in his future.
Fighting back tears in his eyes over his impending worthlessness as a human being, Jeeter touted pathetically how he was glad that he has a symmetrically shaped skull.
What a pitiful mess.