WILSON, NC—The combination printer-copier-fax machine model TR-10083 has been worked hard in its 4-year tenure in room 214 at a medium sized law firm. On an average day, it produces just over 150 crisp and clean prints or copies of legal forms, billing notices, and other various items needed for the firm to function well. In that way, it often feels like it is part of the many gears that keep the well-oiled machine properly turning.
The work can get rather dull at times, however, as the multi-function unit explained to The Colon on Saturday morning, its day off. "I really do my part, see? I sit there and I take the orders and I deliver them. I mean, I'm sometimes a little late, but it's just because somebody didn't reload my paper trays or something. But in a lot of ways, I'm the most dependable part of this office," shared the light gray unit that was produced in South Korea. I've been here a few years, and I can count the number of jams I've had on one hand—metaphorically speaking, of course. That's not bad. Still, I sometimes just go through the motions around here."
The piece of office equipment that retails for about $589 recalled that it often finds itself daydreaming or hoping to catch some good bit of gossip from coworkers, rather than staying focused on its given tasks. "I know what my programming says, but if I'm honest, I often keep tabs on which employees are using me for personal use. Like, Hank [Gerard, 51] over there—the other week, he made 50 copies of flyers for some barbecue he was having. I was tempted to email a copy to the boss to see if she showed up! What a riot that would've been!"
Given the many ways that the machine has found to distract itself from the humdrum of daily office life, in total absence of any personal life, it is interesting to hear that its favorite part of the day is when a caller mistakenly dials its dedicated fax line.
"Oh, that never gets old," commented the device capable of both color and black-and-white printing and copying. "As soon as I get that buzzing, I keep my—again, metaphorical—fingers crossed that it's another one of those dyslexic dopes calling in. As soon as I hear 'em say, 'duh, hello? Rick? Are you there?' I love to blast 'em with that banshee shriek fax sound, to let 'em know I'm trying to connect."
The machine spewed out a few sheets of paper, which is its equivalent of laughing, as it explained.
"Oh, golly! The trick is to not start screeching at them right away, because you gotta give it a second for them to press that receiver to their ear a little closer while they try to listen real hard. But you can't wait too long, either, because the impatient ones will hang up before you get a chance to do your thing."
The device estimates that it gets maybe two of those types of wrong numbers per week. "My favorite is when it's from an internal number. Jennifer [Arden, 34] once called me when she was trying to reach Ned [Garcia, 40]. Boy was she surprised when I let her have it!"
The machine stated that small things like that help to keep it entertained during the long work day, but commented that it would also like to one day have some bigger things happen.
"I think if I could just make a wish and have it come true, I'd want to be moved about 3 feet to the left. I could see out the window from there, I think. Maybe I'd like to have the modem moved a little closer. Try to strike up a conversation, see if it's friendly."
When reached for comment on the machine's position in the company, office manager Teri Goodman, 42, stated that it was slowly becoming obsolete, and they were seriously considering going fully digital in the next 3 months.