ITHACA, NY—Those crushed by painful ends to past romantic relationships may be surprised to learn of a recent study from Cornell University, which surveyed ex-romantic partners' feelings for you since deciding that you were no longer worth their time.
The researchers discovered that, just as you suspected, the initial reasons for ending the relationship were not because of them, as they stated, but were entirely because your romantic partner saw minor flaws in you that they found irredeemable. Indeed, even though no normal person would even think of those things as flaws, and they could have been easily addressed had your tactless and self-serving partner had the guts to share their feelings with you, the research suggests that your exes were far too self-absorbed and scared to share the truth with you, in fact never having deserved you in the first place.
However, the research also found that most of those who had broken off relationships with you, even under amicable circumstances, immediately regretted the decision. In fact, 88% of your exes sobbed through the night after breaking your heart, even though it seemed like they just moved on when they went out clubbing with their friends the following evening. As many as 70% admitted that it was just to distract them from the clear and irreversible blunder they had made by ending the relationship with you.
It also surprised researchers to discover that when your relationship ended, it was the beginning of a nonstop downward spiral in the mental health of your former lover, regardless of outside appearances to the contrary. You reportedly left a hole in them that was unable to be filled ever again.
Incidentally, those exes were also beside themselves with admiration in how well you seemed to handle the breakup, and not one of them thought you were being a whiny, needy little twerp acting out of juvenile desperation.
Although a few of the exes were able to eventually move on without you, a full 78% of them still to the present day are unable to go a moment without thinking of how much better their lives would have been if they could just take back that terrible night when they cut you out. Many of them went so far as to rate it as "the worst decision [they had] ever made."
Even with these powerful findings, the researchers were somewhat puzzled about the implications for the work, given a counter-intuitive response pattern about trying to work things out should the opportunity arise. Indeed, 100% of exes responded that, if you or anyone were to bring up the possibility of the two of you getting back together, they would be overcome with humiliation and guilt inwardly, but would outwardly vehemently decline the notion. They admitted that they would truly, deeply want for your warm embrace and soft lips, but that they could not bear the embarrassment of having spurned the greatest thing that had ever happened to them only to come crawling back.
Interestingly, every respondent also vowed that, should anyone ever mention this research to them, they would pretend that they had never taken such a survey or given any of the answers reported here, so it's probably best not to bring it up.