SAN DIEGO, CA—In an unprecedented turn of events, several biologists specializing in shark studies made a surprising recommendation at a conference for the American Academy of Dermatology: that beach goers rub barbecue sauce into their bare skin before entering the water.
Their exact words were, "Ladies and Gentlemen, it has long been known that, although traditional sunscreen offers protection from the harmful rays of the sun, it also leaves much to be desired in the flavor department should you be devoured by nature's ultimate hunter, the great white shark. On the other hand, there is a wide variety of tasty sauces and marinades available at your local grocer, most of which would please them."
Conference attendees were stunned, and sat in silence throughout most of the 20-minute presentation from 4 marine biologists.
"It was surreal," commented third-time conference attendee Hope Nagel, 41. "I kept thinking that it was some kind of joke, but they were absolutely serious, and there never came a punch line. They had a PowerPoint and everything."
At approximately 13 minutes into their presentation, shark enthusiast Trevor Achebe, 38, passionately explained to the now-horrified audience, "These oceans do not belong to us. We are trespassers at worst, and at best, passengers. We wish to appease the Masters of the Deep, our shark superiors, with succulent mesquite flavors, perhaps with a hint of lemon, or the occasional teriyaki offering, so that we may continue as guests in their kingdom."
After the lecturers had made their argument, there was no applause. Instead, awkward silence seemed tangible in the large conference room, at which approximately 85 people were present. Finally, one of the biologists spoke into the microphone that they had time for a few questions.
One audience member raised her hand and tentatively inquired, "So, to summarize what that was all about, are you basically telling us that we should worship sharks, and offer them human sacrifices?"
Two of the biologists conferred for a moment in whispers, and then Rachel Barrow, 52, responded through her microphone, "I'm very sorry if we've been unclear here. We are a room full of scientists. Scientists do not worship anyone, and human sacrifice is a relic of primitive societies. No, all we are suggesting here today is that we humans are allowed to enjoy the oceans only by the grace of its predators—specifically the great white shark, in all of its majesty, power, and glory. We ask that our colleagues humble themselves before the great white, ask for its forgiveness and guidance, and sometimes willingly allow a few people to be mauled or killed and eaten by them each year."
After a moment of silence, another audience member spoke up, "That sounds a lot like human sacrifice to a deity."
There were murmurs of agreement from the others present.
Another biologist responded through his microphone, "Listen, if you're defining human sacrifice as the willful ending of human life to appease a higher being, then I suppose you'd be right: what we are proposing does share some similarities."
The audience sat in stunned silence following that response.
One of the biologists then quickly ended the session and thanked the audience before gathering to leave.
When reached for comment, Achebe said, "We expect some hesitation to new ideas in the pursuit of science, but soon, you will all see. You'll see sooner than you know."