MCALLEN, TX — Software engineer Gregory Vanderbilt, 33, was approached recently by his supervisor at L&T Technologies with a friendly invitation to visit an outdoor shooting range the following day. Vanderbilt noted that this was a strange occurrence, considering he rarely did anything with his work acquaintances outside of the office, besides the occasional holiday festivity. However, eager to please his employer of two years, David "Dave" Walker, 46, and excited at the prospect of a budding friendship and perhaps even career advancement, he hastily accepted.
Throughout the following work day, Walker was reportedly seen at various times peering through the blinds of his office directly at Vanderbilt, roughly stroking his gruff beard with strong hands and cold, narrowed eyes. Employees report that he seemed "agitated," "ready to snap," "on edge," and "waiting for something to happen." A certain project manager remarked that "He had the cold composure of a tiger on the hunt. I don't know what was up, but I definitely didn't want to get on [Walker's] bad side."
"I haven't done a whole lot of shooting myself and I don't even own any guns, but Dave said it didn't matter because he had one specifically for me, and plenty of ammo with my name on it. I mean, it's Texas, so I didn't really think it was weird at the time to go to a shooting range for some male bonding time," remarked Vanderbilt.
Upon arrival at Rooter-Tooter's Outdoor Range, Walker retrieved a duffel bag from the trunk of his car and guided Vanderbilt to lanes at the far edge of the range, out of earshot of any of the few other patrons on that quiet weekday evening. Vanderbilt attempted to engage in small talk with his superior, but Walker seemed distant, engaged in deep thought.
As he placed the bag on the ground and crouched to unzip it, Walker said, "It's been good having you at the company, you've got a pretty good head on your shoulders." He retrieved a single pistol from inside and methodically began disassembling it. "That's why it's hard for me to do what I've got to do." After a cursory inspection of the firearm, he began reassembling it and released a heavy sigh. "See, one of the hardest parts of being a manager is doing what has to be done that nobody else wants to." The gun reassembled, Walker loaded a magazine and chambered a round with finality, darting his eyes up to meet his employee.
Vanderbilt tensed, sweat beading on his forehead in the summer heat, but not because of the temperature. Walker stood and drew a heavy breath. "Yeah, in some ways this is a lot harder for me than it will be for you." Vanderbilt paled, processing the gravity of his situation, the unfulfilled dreams he held, and the crippling weight of his own hubris. He felt numb, as though he had known he would not walk away from this encounter tonight. Walker continued, "I'm going to terminate you now." Vanderbilt's numbness gave way to a profound and sudden terror as his primal instincts screamed. He began weeping like a child.
"Yeah, it'll be a real shame when you aren't around anymore. You've got tomorrow to clear out your desk, and you'll receive a severance package to keep you on your feet for a few weeks." Walker then turned and emptied his clip into the target placed on the range. Each jarring boom shook Vanderbilt to the core, forcing his eyes shut tighter as he expected the next one to come for him. But in the deafening silence he finally realized what Walker had just said, that his life was his own again. Relief flooded through him, and he began thanking Walker profusely, happy to renew his lease on life. He walked to his car, feeling as light as air, then drove home and immediately made plans to start that bakery he had always wanted to run.
When asked about the evening's events, Walker stated matter-of-factly, "Our research has shown that the people we let go take it a lot better when you put the fear of God in them first. Losing a job is a lot better than losing a life. So, I've started firing people at the firing range; it's easy to scare the [expletive] out of them, I get to stay and practice my marksmanship, and I just love puns."