LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM—The youngest of the four original Teletubbies, Po (AKA the red one), was euthanized this past week following a chronic inability to communicate with the outside world and a near-comatose state. The sudden decline in her quality of life came more than six years ago as the United Kingdom required the transition of television transmissions to the digital format to be completed by October 2012. Similarly across the pond, the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) had mandated that all U.S. based television signals had to be transmitted digitally by June 12, 2009. At a press conference following Po’s burial and recycling of parts, the Director-General of the British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC), Tony Hall, addressed the public.
“When we first started the genetic experiments of integrating biological and technological components in the 90s, we all knew here at the BBC that there may be some…complications. We had no way of knowing at the time that digital TV would destroy the lives—and public broadcasting careers—of the four Teletubbies that our experiments eventually created.”
Hall explained further that the Teletubbies’ primary method of communication had been through the analog TV monitors implanted on their abdomens, though they had been heard to voice various nonsensical sounds, possibly due to static or interference related to their signals. BBC researchers and their American counterparts at the Public Broadcasting Service (PBS) struggled in vain to find an alternate means of communication or receiving broadcast signals for the four brightly colored siblings as the British deadline for the switch to digital loomed.
“The problem,” Hall continued, “seemed like it had an obvious solution, at least initially. After all, VCRs had been out for years by the time the Teletubbies were assembled/bred in our labs; so, we knew to install coaxial ports near their tailbones so that they could play video tapes if needed. However, we faced several major setbacks.
“First, VCRs are nearly obsolete in this modern age of Blu-ray players and streaming media. Second, those coaxial ports were affected in a lightning storm back when the series first aired and our staff had forgotten to plug the Teletubbies into surge protectors while they were recharging; as a result, we have been unable to get those coaxial cables to work with any digital-to-analog convertors or even other modern hookups for that matter.
“Third,” Hall started as he fought back tears, “we learned the hard way that surgery was not an option. That lightning storm had fused the coaxial port to the TV and coccyx of each Teletubby. Tinky Winky, whom we all knew as the purple one as well as the largest and oldest of the group, died on the operating table, the little red bag that he usually carries around lying on a nearby chair. Frankly, it was hopeless after his death. Our American counterparts were already bled for funding and scientists on both sides of the pond had given up.”
Paula A. Kerger, President and CEO of PBS, addressed the forum, having attended the services for Po. She explained that the switch to digital signals left the three remaining Teletubbies nearly lifeless.
“Without adequate means to communicate with one another or even their surroundings, not to mention the absence of the eldest, the three surviving Teletubbies became unresponsive. They were essentially brain-dead, the only things keeping them alive being an IV of nutrients and liquids as well as a power cord.”
Dipsy (AKA the green one) and Laa-Laa (AKA the yellow one), respectively the second- and third-oldest of the Teletubbies, were euthanized in 2015. The decision was finally made to “pull the plug” on Po based on lack of meaningful research and insufficient public funding from viewers like you.
“This has been one of the saddest times in public broadcasting,” Kerger proceeded, “the worst time since the summer of 2009 when Oscar the Grouch was convicted for his murders as the Sesame Street Slayer, the body of Snuffy (Mr. Aloysius Snuffleupagus) was found in what had been an apparent suicide, and Barney had to be put down for biting one of the children.” Despite the sorrows of the day, Kerger concluded the press conference with a hopeful message.
“Though we may have made mistakes in the design of the original four Teletubbies, we are gratified to know that the Tiddlytubbies, their successors, have full digital compatibility with Wi-Fi capabilities as well as high-definition screens and cables for the next generation of educational programming.”