WASHINGTON, DC—U.S. Forest Service mascot Smokey Bear came forward last week to announce that he has started approximately 3,053 wildfires on public lands in the United States since 1968. This comes as a severe shock to the nation, considering Smokey's decades-long campaign to reduce such blazes in national forests and rangelands with the slogan, "Only YOU can prevent wildfires." The disgraced American black bear admitted to planning and starting more than five dozen major fires per year for the last 50 years, using his knowledge of fire risk factors to maximize damage to both government and private property.
"Most of the fires were made to look like careless human mistakes," explains Forest Service spokesperson, Jillian Roundy. "The main accelerant used was lighter fluid, with the sources ranging from cigarette butts to poorly extinguished campfires to barbecue fixtures, which is why up until now, we thought these flames were accidental."
The "how" behind Bear's crimes may be evident, but experts are still at a loss about the "why." Roundy offered, "We can only speculate that after years of fruitless pleading with people to properly put out their campfires, something in Smokey snapped." The world may never know, but the bear's last post on Twitter before government officials deactivated his account was, "Only I can start wildfires. #PreventThis," leaving the public to wonder whether the original slogan were actually a challenge rather than an admonition.
Smokey's reasons for coming forward now remain hazy, as he was certainly the last anthropomorphic bear anyone would expect to light up billions of acres of land, but his statements maintain a tone of pride rather than guilt, and those closest to him suggest he was perhaps tired of the lack of recognition.
The once-beloved ursid was officially denounced by the United States Department of Agriculture this morning, and now in addition to being the only black bear known to dress and talk like a human, Smokey is expected to receive a trial and serve time like one, too.