MUNICH, GERMANY—A sobering new study sought to rank the world's peoples by their skills with driving, and the results show that the U.S. may not be the "city upon the hill" when its citizens get behind the wheel.
The researchers in Germany collaborated with universities throughout the civilized world to coordinate the measurement and recording of driving and related automotive skill. One task required the use of drone footage with AI software to analyze how well the cars in a given parking lot were spaced and parallel to each other.
In an embarrassing blow to the nation, the United States ranked 98th in parking ability, falling lower than Russia, China, and even North Korea.
The lead researchers commented in their publication of the data, "It's as if the average American has no grasp of the basic concept of placing a vehicle in a designated space. Indeed, it is as if they think of the clearly marked parking spots like mere suggestions."
The American research team offered some context for the findings, in saying, "You have to realize that the U.S. was founded upon rejection of ruling authority, and so it may be that it is simply in the culture to rebel in ways as simple as putting one's car in three spaces somehow. Also, it's really no surprise that North Korea did so well—you probably get shot if you park over the line, if you're lucky enough to even have a car!"
The German researchers were unimpressed by the explanation, however. Whereas they did acknowledge that the Togolese Republic most likely outranked the U.S. because virtually no residents own vehicles and, therefore, do not compete for parking places, they supported their rebuke of the U.S. with more data.
"Out of an average American parking lot with 74 cars not running, only 16 were actually parked correctly. Please, don't even get us started on parallel parking—every one of us fainted when we saw those figures!"
The U.S. Department of Transportation has yet to comment on the research, but is expected to increase the visual testing of drivers license applicants to see if they are capable of seeing and even replicating straight lines.