WILMINGTON, DE—After extensive fact checking over the last several weeks, staff at The Colon have confirmed that there is virtually nothing keeping you from consuming an entire package of Oreo brand sandwich cookies.
Our research suggests that the combination of their ubiquity and affordability at approximately $3 per package, there is quite literally no barrier between you, who is reading this article at this moment, and an entire package of sweet, chocolaty and creamy goodness.
In fact, report our sources, you probably deserve it. Think about it: you worked hard today. Or maybe you did a good job balancing work with play. Or maybe it's a low-key, mental health day. In either case, there is a strong argument to be made that you can, nay, in fact should, spend a hot and steamy half an hour cuddled up on the couch or in a dark closet with your own personal package of the popular snack and about a half gallon of milk.
Sources familiar with the cookies state that no one would even have to know. The package is easy to condense once empty, and can be hidden or discarded in any number of ways so that nobody need even be aware that you ever even put one of the delectable tempters into contact with your lips.
"Come on," suggest our staff. "Live a little."
Aside from the immediate satisfaction that a little self indulgence would provide, there's also the good of the economy to consider. Those people who work at the Oreo factory, or whatever, depend on their jobs. If you don't buy those cookies, their families starve. Is that what you want? You want their families to starve? Of course not. You're a compassionate person, and you can see reason. You're going to go get into your car right now and you're going to buy a package of those cookies.
Now you feel better, don't you? Now those Oreo brats will live. But now you have those cookies. You can't just throw them away. That would be insane. Why not just relax in the car. Turn the radio up, drive to an empty parking lot somewhere, and gently tug on the package and see what it has to show you. Don't worry—your wife thinks that you just went to check the air in the tires or something. You can get rid of the evidence, and then just brush your teeth when you get home. No problem. When she asks why you're not hungry, say you're not feeling well and then go lay down. Everything's sealed up in a nice little package.
The Colon's research staff members are also testing whether there is anything keeping you from jogging a mile. However, that study has been surprisingly difficult to initiate.