TOPEKA, KS—A team of researchers at the St. Francis Campus for the University of Kansas Health System were both intrigued and horrified after analyzing the results of an accidental experiment late last week.
"It all started out sort of as a joke," explains Dr. Charles Peterson, who was present at the discovery. "We were all tired, as we'd been working very early mornings running subjects. Somebody didn't show up for their screening, so Valerie [Gershwin] tossed a toilet paper roll into our machines.
The team of four all chuckled to each other as they fired up a Magnetic Resonance Imaging machine, polygraph, and electroencephalogram. There was no reason to suspect any signal from the seemingly nonliving toilet paper. However, the screen came alive with patterns like the team had never seen before.
"At first we all figured it must be some problem with the equipment, or somebody playing a joke on us," commented Gershwin, 29, a neurology researcher. However, after several checks, it was clear that they had discovered a horrible truth: toilet paper is, in fact, conscious.
"It took some work before we could learn to communicate with it, but now we have a system down," said Peterson. "The first thing it said to us was... not something I care to repeat."
Peterson explained that the apparently sentient material that humans have used to clean themselves in the most disgusting way possible for centuries was quite upset. "It is understandably not the biggest fan of people."
The research team shared that the implications of their finding are enormous. "Just imagine the things we can learn about the complex social structures that must exist between brands of paper. I imagine that two-ply, quilted rolls are the royalty of the toilet paper world, but we're just beginning to understand," said Gershwin.
"I am more concerned about what I'm calling, for lack of a better term, 'reparations,'" offered Peterson. "I mean, let's face it. We've put this... life form through a lot. I personally feel so ashamed for eating all that Indian food, if you catch my drift."
The discovery has sent waves through dozens of other professions, including religion, theology, biology, psychology, and many others. Even economists are all abuzz with this development, estimating that the demand for bidets will skyrocket overnight.
Some people are now calling for a full investigation of all so-called disposable hygiene items to ensure the most humane treatment. Tissues and napkins are near the top of the list, but others also look at their toothbrushes, spoons, and cotton swabs, among others, with hesitation.
Even some citizens are fearful of a war with such objects, flushing or burning as much toilet paper as they can find. Dr. Peterson finds the possibility of toilet paper aggressing against humans unlikely. "I figure, if they could have done anything to stop us before now, they definitely would have."
Companies that produce the paper have halted production, and are currently in talks to refocus their manufacturing into things that can ensure the comfort of the several million rolls of toilet paper in circulation at present, whatever that might be.
The Colon will provide updates as they are available.