CHICAGO, IL — When some of us hear "pepper spray," the first thing we imagine might not be a stinging, painful mist that blinds you for half an hour and tightens your throat; some people picture a delicious, light sauce for salads and Mexican food, made of some kind of bell pepper or maybe even banana peppers or jalapenos. Just saying. I could even see it referring to a breath-freshening spray that tastes like peppermint or spearmint or something, I don't know. I'm not on trial here. It's a completely reasonable assumption, and one that might, in some circumstances, lead an individual to spray a less-than-delicate puff of the "lachrymatory agent" into their mouth and greater face area. Not that I would know. "Only a complete moron would spray themselves with pepper spray on purpose," jeer the unimaginative jerks who can't see the potential in a delicious kind of pepper spray.
Not being a complete moron, I can only imagine how the immediate pain and shock of a powerful chemical agent entering several sensitive orifices would be matched only by the forceful realization that you have made a grave miscalculation. Expecting a pleasantly spicy flavor combination, not unlike a buffalo sauce or salsa, you lick your lips while salivating ever so slightly, open wide, and let loose what feels like a thousand thumb tacks on your face and mouth. You writhe on the ground, clutching at your swelling features as the world explodes into blackness around you. Your eyes stop working and you start feeling like that one girl from the Hunger Games that got stung a million times by those messed-up bees. A stabbing pain in your chest makes you realize how you desperately need air because you've been screaming violently the whole time.
As the personal hell to which you've subjected yourself comes to a close, you realize it was not very long at all. Your friends are unsympathetic, especially Todd. He calls you "an idiot," saying "it says right on the bottle that it's made for self-defense, you imbecile!" At least, that's what I imagine would happen if I were stupid enough to actually do it, which I'm not. I definitely still wouldn't be crying as I wrote about it either. I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't try pepper spray unless you're some kind of masochist. If you are, then this stuff is for you. Sure it might sound like the perfect thing to put on your wings for game day, but it isn't. It shouldn't go on anything. It doesn't taste nearly as good as it sounds like it should. And they won't give you a refund when it doesn't meet your expectations. 1/5 stars, would not recommend.