WILMINGTON, DE — According to long-time friends and associates of Samantha Crapo, 27, this efficient and extremely promising young executive regularly posts to her Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter accounts. Normally this would not be deemed worthy of the Colon's precious time and resources unless she posted really funny vines, but Crapo's posts are not exactly ordinary; according to one acquaintance of hers, "her posts are about as well-thought-out as the plot of Batman vs. Superman. Seriously, she types like a drunk 6-year-old, not that I've actually ever seen one, but I can imagine."
Crapo is notorious among those who know her for posting nearly-incoherent thought fragments formed of conglomerations of letters — and sometimes numbers — that are barely recognizable as words. Despite graduating from University of Pennsylvania's English Language undergraduate program and completing her MBA through Northwest University's prestigious Kellogg School of Management, she appears to lack the basic spelling, grammar, and capitalization skills that would have been necessary of a college graduate, much less a literate American.
As an example, upon learning that her younger sister had become pregnant in 2016, Crapo posted the following to her Facebook wall: "omg!!!! my bb sista is pregrant!!! i cant belive im gona be a anty!!! shes so amazong is alredy so emotionaly overwelming you guys!!!#blesd #pregant #happpy"
Family and close friends note that Crapo does not drink due to a strict diet and exercise regimen, leaving her indecipherable posts a mystery.
Another post in 2017 appears to be a stream of consciousness directed at an unknown individual: "you wer my first kiss ad i dont know if you remember that haha but i do well of course i remeber haha but throuh the time i got to know you, you wre [expletive] crazy i mean wanting sords for you birhday like who you gonna kill me if you off or your sister but then again you cant that she got the baby so then that leaves me haha but as time gone by ive seen that some of that crazines has gone away hopefully idk havent talk to you in a while but with the picures i can see that are growin up and last time i herd you have a good vocabulay and i love you."
Every individual our sources indicated as a possible intended recipient of this message denied understanding any of it.
Rupert Graves, one of Crapo's undergraduate professors and advisors, upon being asked about his recollection of her responded, "All of the essays she ever submitted to me were littered with errors of all kinds; lack of capitalization, run-on sentences, innumerable misspellings, and don't get me started on the content problems... I tried harder than I'm proud of to get her out of my program. Disorganized violence against ordinary speech like that has no place in developed America, let alone a university setting!"
Though this trend has continued in Crapo's social media presence unabated, all of her 1,676 Facebook friends admitted that they stopped paying attention to her posts at all, "not [bothering] trying to decipher her incoherent — and honestly, unimportant — ramblings about which flavor of frozen yogurt is best and how she just loves Oakley sunglasses. There are animal videos to watch."