CHICAGO, IL—Operators for the Colon’s hotline answered ̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶f̶i̶r̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶n̶t̶e̶r̶e̶s̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ a call on Saturday, interrupting an afternoon full of ̶t̶e̶d̶i̶u̶m̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶e̶n̶t̶i̶a̶l̶ ̶d̶r̶e̶a̶d̶ important comments from Colon enthusiasts. The caller, who wished to remain anonymous, proceeded to relate his story. He said, in a lowered voice and clearly out of breath, “Look, I don’t have a ton of time before either the Feds or a maniac catch up with me, you gotta help me." Ready for anything to break up the morning of s̶o̶u̶l̶-̶s̶u̶c̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶d̶r̶u̶d̶g̶e̶r̶y̶ very enjoyable time at work, we fielded the call, ̶a̶g̶a̶i̶n̶s̶t̶ ̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶j̶u̶d̶g̶e̶m̶e̶n̶t̶. [take out these revisions before publishing, Burgin!!!]
"I never [sic] been good at much, but I got real good real quick at figuring people out, alright? I been a con man since dropping out of [Lewis Clark High] school, and then a few years back I started lifting people’s identities.” This mysterious man, who is between 5’3” and 5’5” and has a birthmark on the left side of his neck shaped like Italy, described how everything went smoothly in stealing the identity of his latest target until he made certain discoveries about whose identity he had stolen.
“There were all kinds of weird purchases in his history going back decades, like really specific surgical equipment, soundproofing materials, and large dog cages and collars. I get a kick out of learning people’s messed up hobbies, so I dug a bit deeper.” The anonymous caller, about age 34, with cropped black hair and brown eyes, proceeded to describe the moment when he realized that he had stolen the identity of a serial killer.
"I found out this guy regularly buys cleaning agents in bulk, which seemed weird 'cause he's a software engineer, and then all the pieces came together, the cages, sound-proofing, medical stuff. I thought, 'What the [expletive]! Of all the people, what are the odds it's one of my marks that's a serial killer! How did I figure this out and none of the police or anybody did!?' Then I started thinking about how long this creep has been doing whatever he does without being caught and how he probably hunts people down just for fun, and I started to freak out. By that time I realized I was in too deep to just wash my hands and walk away."
The caller who wishes to remain anonymous, a Brian Smoot from Snowflake, AZ, with a tattoo of a tiger on his right forearm, sheepishly admitted that he had made several sizable purchases and opened several credit card accounts under the name of Ryan Spendlove, the alleged serial killer, prior to understanding who he is. He further shared his discovery that Spendlove has been on several government watchlists for suspicious activity in light of his purchases, and with the flood of recent credit card activity as sufficient grounds for investigation caused by our unnamed source, Smoot, FBI agents were dispatched to capture and interrogate Smoot, whom they mistakenly identified as Spendlove.
According to Smoo- er, the unnamed source who shall remain anonymous, the serial killer is also pursuing him, surely with the intent to end his life in a graphic and horrifying manner. By this point in the phone conversation, the caller had become so emotionally overcome that he didn't realize Colon switchboard operators had been able to trace his call to a Super 8 Motel in Evanston, WY, room number 6. Unsure how to act in this situation and interested to see how this all would pan out, we sent the information to the FBI, waited 5 minutes, and then made a series of public announcements about Smoot's whereabouts. As of press time, we're still waiting to hear what happens.