CHARLESTON, SC—In a candid interview with The Colon, a panel of prominent dentists in the area revealed a deeply held secret about their practice that may give patients pause.
Speaking under the condition of anonymity, the three dentists explained that the use of a drill is necessary under only the rarest of circumstances. Although the small boring tool is somewhat iconic of the practice of modern dentistry, these professionals, who have just over 32 years of experience among them, shared that there is hardly ever a reason to grind a hole into a patient's tooth.
"I mean, come on!" said one of the dentists. "It's the 21st century for crying out loud. We put a man on the moon 50 years ago: you think we still need these jagged little bits to do our stuff?"
The other two agreed. "Oh yeah, with modern floss, toothpaste, and these electric brushes, I don't think I've seen a legitimate cavity in three years," said one.
As a follow up, they were each asked how often they actually use a drill, and why. Their answers shared a common theme: sadism.
"I'll use the drill every day. I will make up reasons to use the drill. Sometimes I even volunteer to 'fill cavities' for homeless people just so that I can use the drill," explained one of the interviewees, with an otherworldly gaze across his eyes.
Another spoke up, "I have to set a limit for myself so that I don't use it on every patient. I allow myself 12 per day, and then if I kept to only 12, I give myself a little treat that night."
As for why the use of a drill is so attractive, and even addictive, there was a general consensus among the panel. "It's such a rush! You have no idea." said one, as the others nodded excitedly in agreement.
"I remember my first time [while I was] in dental school," shared one, with a boyish excitement in his voice. "I held the little thing in my hand. It was...so small. Almost insignificant, and yet when I pressed the little button and it made that high pitched whizzing sound...I saw that look of horror in the patient's eyes, and something stirred deep within me. Something I'd never realized was there. So I woke it that day, and I've been feeding it ever since. It lives on the terror...the anguish. It's delicious."
The interviewer queried how these seemingly normal professionals could continue with what appears to be a barbaric and perhaps even evil practice, knowing that they are unnecessarily and purposefully traumatizing thousands of people, including children, each year.
"Totally worth it," they said in unison, as if rehearsed.
The interview ended at this point, as each was anxious to get back to their patients, two even licking their lips with anticipation.
The American Dental Association currently recommends a dental checkup every 6 months.