MIAMI, FL—Marine biologists, along with a team of advising geneticists at the University of Miami, have recently published a promising new study about how to improve upon sharks. They found several interesting trends, as Professor Grayson Chelsea explained.
"We set out to get a feel for how we might, in theory, make sharks even more bodacious than they currently are. Sharks are a tricky one, because they already look super scary what with those dead eyes of theirs, they have endless razor-sharp teeth, and they are known to have killed people. I mean, I crap my pants a little every time I go to the beach, I don't mind telling you."
After several tests with prototypes of potential shark enhancements, specifically to the great white, Dr. Chelsea's team found that the main thing that would make sharks more terrifying and awe-inspiring would be if they could growl.
"We actually piloted a hissing sound, and even like a shriek, but under water they didn't travel as well. We put together a sort of snarly growl like you might imagine from a rabid rottweiler, and that totally got test subjects' heart rates buzzing."
In fact, according to the Internal Review Board records, several of the test subjects had to receive medication and psychotherapy for trauma after the researchers left them in cages in the tanks with the genetically modified sharks for 45 minutes. Still, Dr. Chelsea defends the research.
"Look, we had to be sure that we gave them plenty of time to acclimate to the underwater environment, but the little whiners were perfectly safe in the cages, probably."
Among other possible improvements to the shark were to give it a horn like a rhinoceros, make its eyes glow green, give it long creepy "E.T. fingers" on the ends of its pectoral fins.
Regarding the next steps, Dr. Chelsea believes that they can begin production of the new sharks immediately. "We're already nearly done with the design. I added a black pinstripe myself. We've got a few more tests to run in the lab, but I think we could have a new great white model in our oceans by, say, September of this year. Mark your calendars."
To keep up to date on new announcements, please follow Dr. Chelsea's research on Twitter or Instagram.