TORONTO, CANADA—A new study from the University of Toronto has caused concern and controversy among some select groups throughout the world, and particularly in the U.S. The research sought to understand more about the process of inspiration involved in several professions that require creativity, and found a few odd patterns.
Of the most noteworthy findings is that more than three fourths of the ideas that are conceived for satirical news stories come to their authors while sitting on the toilet. It appears that, according to the researchers, satirical news writers often struggle to come up with ideas among the less secluded, more sanitary areas of the world, and tend to find their inspiration while quietly pondering the deeper stirrings of their souls in perfect solitude atop their glistening porcelain thrones.
It may come as little surprise to some that creative juices flow in what may be the only room in the house where a person can be their true selves, relishing in the few moments of quiet amid chaos, facing some of their basic animal needs without interruption.
Perhaps some other professions can come up with their ideas while relaxing on their yachts and sipping their cocktails while that toned Brazilian waiter feeds them fresh grapes one by one. But some of us have to get down in the mud and dig for our diamonds. Some of us have kids clawing at us night and day, and the only precious seconds alone we get are when we've barricaded ourselves inside the crapshack, so maybe it's okay that our ideas squeeze through in those couple of nanoseconds while our offspring are fashioning battering rams to take down the door, hinges and all, just to tell us that their little brother looked at them weird for second.
Naturally, 23% of satirical news ideas occurred in locations other than the toilet. The researchers note that these included outhouses, portable toilets, squatting over holes dug in the ground, and rolling in litter boxes in a few rare cases.
The Colon recommends caution in interpreting these results, as at least two of our ideas were sourced from now-deceased-under-suspicious-circumstances comedians.