Big Bird Drops Big Turd: Trouble at Elmo-Zoe Wedding

SESAME STREET, NY—In a small but popular neighborhood in the inner city of New York, the dust has settled on a happy-occasion-turned-debacle. Sesame Street, brought to fame by the children’s television series by the same name, hosted the long anticipated Elmo-Zoe wedding this past weekend. Intended to be an occasion of joy, the wedding of the century turned out to be riddled with setbacks that culminated in an unanticipated and unforgiveable display of avian indigestion.

Early Saturday afternoon in the middle of the kindergarten-level vows of Elmo and Zoe, Big Bird, an eight-foot two-inch (249 cm) anthropomorphic canary, stumbled noisily through the doors of the stylish albeit low-budgeted venue. With all eyes and cameras of the televised event on him, Big Bird proceeded to mutter off a string of semi-coherent and out of order letters of the alphabet before defecating across the chapel, soiling the bride, groom, and several attendants. Others recalled the stench of fermented nectar on Big Bird’s breath despite his being underage; investigators inquired after Oscar the Grouch only to find his trash can emptied.

Sources report that the feathery yellow neighbor of Oscar the Grouch—and resident of the nest behind 123 Sesame Street—had experienced a falling out with the groom when he narrowly selected Telly to be his best man over him. Grover, a well-known firebrand of the community, intensified hostilities in an offhand comment to Big Bird at the same time about F, the letter of the day, appearing at the beginning of such words as failure, fake, and friend. Big Bird felt slighted further at not receiving an invitation to the wedding, which Elmo reports must have been lost in the mail.

Despite the monumental fiasco with Big Bird, other noteworthy troubles beset the wedding. Count “The Count” von Count, known for his savant-like proficiency in calculations, had been placed in charge of tallying the RSVPs and selected entrées; however, his propensity for laughing after each number was spoken audibly caused major delays in the calculations and subsequent catering requests. While others were at the ceremony, Cookie Monster’s eating disorder revealed itself, resulting in the gormandizing of half the wedding cake and most of the other desserts at the reception hall. At the reception, Bert and Ernie stole attention away from the newlyweds as they confessed their love for each other and their plans to wed. As a result of that confession, Aloysius “Snuffy” Snuffleupagus, a member of a species related to the wooly mammoth, broke down in tears and was inconsolable, mumbling that he knew that he would die alone. The only thing that kept the whole reception from spiraling completely out of control was the reassurance of Kermit the Frog, at least until Miss Piggy, his perpetual self-proclaimed girlfriend, made another pass at him.

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