HAGERSTOWN, MD—An area resident with a certifiable paraphilia has caused quite the ruckus lately, but not one for which he is usually known.
Barry Rollins, 43, has a long arrest record and an even longer string of complaints as he has been a practicing exhibitionist for years. "My favorite is to catch people off guard just as they're leaving the gym," explains the incurably perverted man, who spoke against the advice of his attorney. "I figure they're too tired to chase after me, and there's a nice smoothie place next door if I want to have a little treat."
However, he was arrested under different circumstances on Wednesday of this week, after allegedly abandoning his normal routine of directly displaying his naked body to unsuspecting passersby, and instead handing out photocopies thereof.
"I don't know. Normally, I'm really excited to get out there and do my thing," he stated, again under protest from his legal representation. "But I just wasn't feeling it that morning. It's like I just couldn't get into it."
The twice divorced, part-time sign holder revealed that he had the idea to streamline his usual practice of exposing himself to pedestrians by simply making several copies of his genitals, and then handing them out to whoever happened to be in the area.
"I don't know why I hadn't thought of it before! It took off a lot of the pressure, you know? Rather than wait for just the right target, and then all of the running, I could just pass out about 50 of these babies in about 5 minutes and then get back home to my shows."
The recipients of the lewd photocopies were not as enthused by this more efficient exhibitionism, as Stacy [last name withheld], 34, shared. "Yeah, I'd actually, erm, you know, seen Barry before. It was one of the most terrifying things I've ever experienced in my life. I guess this was a step in the right direction, but still completely unacceptable."
"Yeah, they need to lock him up for the rest of his life," added Rita Fergeson, 41, who normally declines flyers of any sort, but against her better judgment decided to try this one.
The arresting officer could not make an official statement, but was overheard saying, "Mr. Rollins has either completely lost his mind or finally figured this thing out."
Rollins is currently being held on $5,000 bail, and is officially being charged with distribution of pornographic material without a license, and littering.